Christmas Presents

Allison Deming said...
Ok I am finally going to utilize your advice. What do you do when the Christmas traditions of a new family are SO different on each side. My side of the family, lots of gifts, everyone gets everyone something - sometimes more than one something, etc. His side of the family, draw names, one gift, $20 limit. Now, these are quite reflective of the difference in family financial situations. My side, no problems at all, his side much more diverse and a great need to be frugal in one or two families (if you need more detail here, I can call or something!). I have heard you should do the same for both sides, but I have two nieces who are always used to getting a gift from Aunt Ali, and my Brother, Sister in Law, Mom and Dad always get one too. They have no problem understanding if when changed, but the kids of course would, they are too young. But, I cannot change what my family does for us. My brother will get me more than one gift, and my parents will get more than one for both Justin and I...probably more than 3 actually. You want to be reciprocal right? So I should get them all something...that is how I feel, but are we being equal? Justin thinks leaving things the way they are is fine, but I worry it could cause problems down the road...never know. So what is kosher for family Christmas gift giving when you get married? All advice welcome...

Dear Allison,
You answered your own question when you said, "Justin thinks leaving things the way they are is fine." I agree with Justin. Our families have kept things the same way that we had them growing up. But there is some flexibility that is needed when you get married and are trying to meld traditions. We switch off holidays every year between our families. However, both of our parents will be with us this year. But it's the in-laws year-so we're going to be doing Christmas their way this year. But my in-laws do try to incorporate some of my most important traditions to their own. But I never try to push anything. I think being flexible and forgiving is the most important thing. Your families probably don't quite know what to do either. Communication is really important. And if you're worried about things down the road-I would say just keep an eye on the situation. If you can tell that tension has sprung up-then talk to the offended party and fix it. But "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Thanks for the question. Merry Christmas!

-Amy

Desert Island Books

Meaning that if you were stranded on a desert island, these are the books you would want/need to have with you. They are must reads. They are all similar in concept, presented in 3 very different ways. But if you want to learn how to love better and become more Christlike-read them! (Okay, obviously the scriptures do that too, but...)

Scroll down to read other new posts-I had lots to say today! Keep the questions coming!

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

This book will really help anyone who needs advice about how to "motivate" your husband to do anything. I read it once about 3 years ago and it really helped me. Now don't blame me if there is stuff in there that is offensive, or that you don't agree with. I don't necessarily agree with everything she says either. But the basic principles are true.

• Wives need to give their husbands what they need (sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually)
• Treat a man as he is, and he will never improve. Treat a man as he can become, and he will become that man.
• A man already knows his weaknesses. He doesn't need them pointed out to him again.

Now after all of these posts about how great husbands are and how much we need to do for them, you may be thinking, "That's not fair!" What about us? Well my friends, all I have to say is that I will start talking about it when your husbands start asking about it :) And I think you will be surprised what doing these things gets you.

Motivation 2

This is along the lines of how to "motivate" your husband. How do you motivate/encourage/excite your husband to want to do things like scripture study, prayer, attending church without a pessimistic attitude because he has to walk to the halls with a child, fulfilling his calling to the best of his ability and not gripping about it. I try to be an example to him by doing all these things hoping that it will change him but haven't had much luck. Have even said that it doesn't seem like he wants to go to church etc... (granted that probably wasn't the best way to approach it but I just feel like he is disinterested in the church.) So all in all we want him to be the strong church leader that he can be. Can you help, anything would be great. Thanks Amy! (Hope this made sense)


Situation A)

• It's time to get up for church and you go to wake your husband up. He doesn't move and grumbles at you. This happens 3-5 times and with each passing minute you are getting angrier. Finally, you are at church-in the back, 10 minutes late-and you are fuming. You don't get to enjoy church. And you have bad feelings towards your husband. Meanwhile, he is thinking, "Why is my wife so quiet today? Hmmm..."

Situation B)

• The same events happen. Husband won't wake up, and you are late. BUT you don't get mad. You are nice to him and don't think it's a big deal. You wish you could have been on time and that not only would he have helped get the kids ready, but that you would have had a stellar prayer and scripture study before church as well. And that while at church he would have pulled out a notebook and started taking notes on the talks and wrote them a thank you note afterwards. But he doesn't do any of these things, and you are still nice to him. In fact, he even leans over to you and says, "Sorry we were late. It was my fault." You appreciate his apology, loop your arm through his and enjoy the rest of the meeting.

Now you may think this sounds silly, but trust me-it is real. It has happened.

You may not like it-but the same exact stuff I wrote for "Motivation" is exactly what you do in this situation as well-nothing. It's not your job. If your husband doesn't like church, and doesn't have a testimony, then I'm sorry. But you can't change it. You can't change him. You can only love him. You can only change yourself. You may have to let him have a bad attitude for awhile-a few weeks, months, or even years. But if you always treat him with love and respect-he will not disappoint you forever. This is true especially if you make it a matter of prayer. And not the kind of prayer that says, "My husband is doing things all wrong. I want him to do better and be better like me" Now you may not say those words, but the attitude can be there. Rather, pray like this, "My husband is struggling. He's not doing the things that I need him to do for my family church-wise. It's really hurtful to me and I don't know what to do about it. He is your child. You created him. You know how he feels in his heart. Please help me to love him the way that you do. Please help me to see and understand his heart."

If you pray like that, and then follow through with it-you will see big changes. I promise. But things take time....if you have babies to walk the hall with, then you are probably young. No one ate an elephant all in one day.

Hope this helps some. I honestly believe things will be okay for you. Despite everything, your husband really does sound like a great guy.

Good luck!

Amy

Multiple Questions, Many Answers

Well, you have many good questions, and I have many probably not so good answers. But I will help the best way I know how. I have thought on this and discussed this with my own husband at length. When he read the question he thought it was about him-so I guess I know a little bit of what you are going through-although I would never presume I know how you feel.



1) How do you handle a situation with your husband where he thinks he wants to change what he is doing in his life career wise - but has amazingly unrealistic expectations of what he needs to do to make that happen. He believed he can just start making tons of money with all the right gadgets and equipment, and no training (this is a field you usually go to school for). Additionally, if he goes into this and drops his current job we will lose all fringe benefits, which means I will have to work full time to have any health insurance, etc for the two of us. We both want to have children relatively soon which would mean me not working, and having benefits available for us and the children. Myself, and the rest of the family feel very uncomfortable with this idea. I have prayed about it and it just seems so wrong. But my husband is the type who likes to change jobs every few years - gets bored easily. This is something I am not used to myself. Each time we talk about the pros and cons of him changing careers he says I am trying to "ruin his dreams" and perhaps I just want him miserable. Other times he is more open and understanding to the problems this can cause. I have suggested going to school, but as he has no college he does not want to start and go 4-6 years to do what he wants to do. He has read a couple of books on the topic where people in the business say "oh you need NO training, just have these things, practice a lot and you will be just as good as anyone with a degree." I am afraid I am being too pessimistic, but with the idea of bringing children into he relationship on the horizon I feel that I need to be a bit more cautious than if it were just the two of us. I also worry that if I am right, he could be very hurt when things do not work out. When he feels like he has failed at something it is very rough on him. I have urged him to look into it more, thinking he might see it the way others do - but he only responds by saying he knows all there is to know and has really studied it. So, my question is what to do exactly. And if you are wondering this was not something that came up before our marriage, and the kid thing really needs to happen in the next 2-3 year at the latest. Hopefully that gives you something to work with... :)



This is all probably going to be very random, but here are my thoughts:

• You have a very traditional and conventional way of thinking. You were probably raised this way, and you might not even realize it. But it sounds like your husband does not. His way of thinking is "outside the box." And honestly, that's okay. Both ways of doing things are fine. It's true that you "usually" would get training for these fields like you said, but you didn't say have to. If he can figure out a way to be successful without the training-then I say let him do it.


• I know the insurance thing is a concern. Trust me-we're in the insurance business. But again you are thinking traditionally. Having a full time job is not the only way to get good insurance for your family. You can purchase it separately. That may not be the "ideal" way to do it, but it's better than not staying home with your kids. And-I don't know your situation, but if you're really not going to have kids right away, you could get a job with benefits right now anyway. And later you might be able to find something that allows you to do both.


• Okay, having kids-while I do believe that you need to provide for your children, I do not believe that you should put off having them just because life is up in the air, or you don't think you can buy them everything under the sun. People have been having children forever, and I believe they always come when they are supposed to. You will never be fully prepared for them. I definitely don't think you should have one tomorrow, but within 2-3 years like you said I think is very doable. I know that my husband was very wary about having kids before we were financially stable, but he recognizes now that we could have done it. It would have been okay.


• I'm not saying it's always going to work out and be okay. It's very possible that your husband will fail, and you won't have a stable financial situation. But I also believe very strongly that you probably need to let him do this. Of course it will be rough on him if he fails. But it will be good for him in the long run. He will step it up and try again. Eventually it will work out. If it doesn't-I'm sure he would be willing to do something else. But you are crushing his dreams. If he's anything like my husband-he would be very sensitive to that.


• Men just want us to trust them. They are supposed to be the providers of the family and with few exceptions they take that role very seriously. When I asked my husband about this he explained that men worry a ton about taking care of their family, but the worst feeling in the world is being kept up at night with the knowledge that your wife doesn't trust you to do that job. It's kind of like your role as a wife and mother. If you wanted to try some new cleaner, or formula, or parenting technique, how would you feel if your husband said to you, "You have unrealistic expectations. I don't think that's a good idea. That won't work. I have to raise the kids/clean the house myself, etc." Maybe that's not a very good example, but basically I think what your husband is hearing from you is: "you're not good enough." No one wants to feel that way.


• He is probably sounding a lot more confident than he is. He is probably more worried than you. But he can't admit that-even to himself. Because if he does-then he probably will fail. In order for these types of things to work out-you need to believe in them. He probably seems prideful, angry, and unteachable when this comes up because he's scared. Try to give him a break-really.


• It's okay to be worried and scared. It's okay to not like this. It's okay to want him to go to school and do things in the conventional way. But it is not okay to expect him to feel the same way. It is not okay to make him feel like he is letting you and the entire family down just because he wants to do something different/new. Again, it's possible it might not work out. But, what is the worst that can happen? You might be thinking, "well, we could be broke, and starving, homeless, with a starving baby!" If things really would end up that way because of this, then I think you should nicely explain to your husband how you feel about that. But- you married him for a reason. I'm sure you're smart. I'm sure you would not purposely marry someone that would lead you to poverty. You say that this didn't come up before you got married. So what. There's tons of stuff that young, in love couples don't talk about. Real life swoops in pretty fast. But the important things are still there-your love, trust, and faith. Never forget to keep things in perspective.

There are lots of other things that I could probably say. If you would like to discuss this further, feel free to email me and I will make sure I keep you anonymous. I know this doesn't fix everything, but I would like to emphasize TRUST. Hopefully this gave you something to work with :)

My husband has a bad "habit" that I am having more and more trouble dealing with. When he feels that he has done something that will disappoint me, at times he will lie and tell me a different story because he "does not want to upset me" "does not want to seem dumb" etc. This happened once over something really that was not big in the grand scheme of things. Him telling the truth would not have been a problem. He was caught and I told him it was ok, but not to do it again because lying will hurt me more than any truth you have to tell. He agreed. Well two weeks ago, I caught him again - same situation as the first. His excuse was that he did not want to look dumb or upset me, so he thought it would just be easier to tell me something different. Unfortunately he did not get his timetable down very well, and his story made no sense (to me). I guess you could say he is not a very good liar. So I told him that not telling me the truth really did hurt my feelings, and I was not ok with it. He has apologized a ton, and I have forgiven him - but made it clear in no uncertain terms that this type of thing is not ok under any circumstances for me or him. My worry is that this is a coping pattern he uses to hide when he has done something that makes him feel inadequate, and he has probably been doing it most of his life. I really have no real evidence of that, but it is a hunch I have. Sadly, I feel myself analyzing everything he tells me just in case there is some inconsistency - like I have lost a part of the trust we had. This is definitely NOT what I wanted to happen, and what I was trying to avoid by stressing to him that telling the truth is SO important to me (and something that should happen in ALL relationships, not matter what it is). I am not sure exactly what I am asking, other than "where do I go from here?" Or any other advice you may have. (and this is my last question! - for now)



Let me start off with a humorous anecdote:

Wife: "What do you ever do around here to help me?"

Husband: "I killed the mouse for you last week."

Wife: "So?"

Husband: "Well, I got another one that I didn't even tell you about!"

Simply stated-yes, your husband is lying to protect you, and himself. You so that you don't have to get upset about things (like the mouse). It could be stuff like money, mold in the bathroom, broken china, or losing his job. Eventually, it's important that he tells you-but most men wouldn't want to do that until after things have worked out (a plumber has been called, a check has been deposited, the plate has been glued, a resume has been sent out, etc.)



"My worry is that this is a coping pattern he uses to hide when he has done something that makes him feel inadequate, and he has probably been doing it most of his life."



You are right on. But my response is-so what? Doesn't everyone have a coping mechanism? Don't you? I know a guy who falls asleep every time his wife tries to talk to him about something serious. Someone else has guilt for every little thing he does wrong, and mopes for days. Your husband lies. If he's been doing it for most of his life-you can't take it personally! He is not personally trying to lie to you. He probably hates himself for it. He doesn't need you to hate him for it too.

My suggestion is to make him feel as adequate as you can. Boost him up, and TRUST him. There's that word again-it works. You may not feel like he trusts you-but what goes around comes around. Follow the golden rule-it's famous for a reason.

You said you forgave him-but it's obviously still bothering you. Pray to get over it. You have to forgive and forget. And don't put such strict expectations on him like "it's not acceptable to do it again." If it's his coping mechanism, he probably will do it again. Most of us struggle with these things our entire lives. That's why we're mortal. Obviously, lying is wrong. I do not deny that. But the reasons behind the lying may not be. Does that make sense? Only you know how to adjust it to your situation.



Lastly, it may seem like I am overly defending your husband, and treating him like he's not doing anything wrong. (in both situations). This is not so. While I do not condone "men bashing" of any sort, nor do I think they are perfect, or can do no wrong. Of course they can. But-that doesn't mean that you have to. You have the choice to be 100% perfect wife everyday. And I think that you will find that by focusing on improving yourself, and loving your husband-he will become better himself.



I have no doubt that you have a great marriage and that these two situations will work out. Keep up the good work. And as always, do not hesitate to see a professional if needed.

Thanks for writing. These were tough questions. I probably did not do them justice.

Keep em coming!

Good luck,

Amy

Coming Soon

You have given me some tough questions. I have pondered and researched a lot. Please be patient--answers will be coming soon!

Motivation

How do you "motivate" a husband to do the things that you know he should be doing?

First of all, thank you for the question. I have thought it over for a few days because it is a tough one. I want to answer it in a way that validates you and gets you what you need, but also recognizes the truth. The simple answer to your question is-you don't. It is not your job to change or improve your husband. It is your job to love him always. But I understand it is a lot more complicated than that.

The first thing I noticed was that you said, "that you know he should be doing." It sounds like maybe you have an "agenda" of things that you think he should be doing-but does he know? Are they on his pallet of things that are important and matter to him? Because if they're not important to him, chances are he won't jump up to do them. Make sure that you are on the same page when it comes to expectations. If you think he should take out the garbage, for instance, he might have no idea. Even asking him over and over may not produce results. You may have to say something like, "In my family, it was a given that the husband always take out the garbage. This is important to me. Is that something you think you can do in our house?" And then respectfully listen to his answer. If it's not something he can handle, you may have to jump in and take some responsibility.

Also, I'm a huge believer in asking the question, "If he did/said/acted that way toward me, how would I feel?" This applies to just about every aspect of marriage. I'm assuming that you are a smart, well organized, hard working person. But haven't you ever had days or weeks that you aren't all those things? Sometimes don't you wish you could pull up in front of the tv with chocolate instead of tackle that pile of laundry. How would you feel if your husband came over and peeled the remote out of your hand and threw the laundry on the couch with a rude grunt? I'm guessing it wouldn't feel very good. So make sure that you don't do similar things to your husband. When you are at a dinner party don't complain to your friends and say, "Urg. My husband is so lazy. He never does anything around the house. Our garbage is always overflowing." I'm assuming you wouldn't feel too good if your husband said similar things about you.

Granted, these are just examples and I understand that there are more important things than garbage and laundry. Things like earning a living, or leading the family in church worship, or providing protection. I can understand that if your husband is lacking in these areas it can be very frustrating. But I still don't recommend trying to push them into change. Women so often want things done on their time table and in their way. But we forget that our husbands were capable and independent beings when we met and married them. You fell in love with him for a reason. Try to remember him that way. You probably wouldn't have complained about him doing these things when you were courting, so think back on those times and react with love and patience like you would have then. Perhaps this story can help you.

The bottom line is that the greatest motivator is always love. Each person needs love in their own way. Find out how your husband feels loved the most from you and then show it. Love him, serve him, speak to him kindly, and I bet you will be surprised at the man he becomes. I honestly believe that men want to serve and please us and be great men. But oft times their spirits are broken by a judgmental wife with too high expectations. I honestly don't know how you treat him. Maybe you are all of these things already. That's great! But I have found that most of us can always do better.

Please don't get me wrong. No one should ever put up with abuse of any kind. No one should put up with a husband that is demeaning or neglectful to necessary things. But I think these cases are rare in the average household. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He may be doing his best. If you really can't stand his behavior over a long period of time, then by all means get some professional help.

But honestly, I believe that the best thing you can do is lower your expectations, give him the benefit of the doubt, develop clear and honest communication, and above all-love him.

Feel free to comment and share thoughts. I happen to think my husband is perfect so I probably wasn't the best one to answer this question :)

Good luck,
Amy

Weird In-Laws

How can I cope with weird in-laws? They don't even seem to understand their own children and have such crazy expectations.

First of all, I would say go to this great article. It's obvious that there are several people who are in your same boat. Coping with in-laws is an age old question. But there are several things you can and should do.

Without knowing all of the specifics (I don't know what you mean by "crazy expectations") here are some general principles.

• Give them the benefit of the doubt-You love your spouse and they raised them, and so their parents can't be all that bad. I know you said that they don't even understand their own children, but depending on how long you have been married-you probably aren't an expert either. They don't know what it's like to have in-laws either and so it's probably best to think that they are doing the best they can.
• How does your spouse feel about the situation? Do they think that their parents are weird with crazy expectations as well? Or is it just you? If it is just you, then try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes and look for the positive in their family. If it is the two of you, come together as one and come up with your own expectations for your family, and stick by them no matter what. Perhaps you would want to post some family rules in your home so that your in-laws are aware of what is expected from them. For example, if you expect them to take their shoes off upon entering your home, make sure that is clear in a non-confrontational way. If it doesn't matter to you-make that clear also.
• Respect the rules and expectations of their home. Even if it doesn't make sense to you-they have a right to run their household in the way that is best for them. If they are vegetarians for instance, be nice and save your carnivore habits for your house.
• Without knowing how close you live to them, it's hard to give advice about visits. But make sure you and your spouse agree on what is acceptable visitation for both parties. If they expect you to come over every week with the kids for dinner-you may have to agree on that. But if they expect you to come over everyday-you can firmly tell them that although you love spending time with them, that you need to have some boundaries in order to establish your own family right now.
• I know it's hard when you HAVE to be with these people whom you normally would not have chosen to associate with, but the golden rule still applies here. Be as nice as you can. However, I'm sure there are cases which require some real distance from toxic influences. If the in-laws are emotionally or physically abusing your family, then you have a right to avoid them and get professional help. Otherwise, it might trust require some mutual toleration.
• Try to have a sense of humor. If it really is not that important-just let it go.
• All marriages and families require work-but let's not be afraid of work!

I'm sure that lots of people have sympathy for your situation. It is hard to enter a whole new family when we are so influenced and directed by the family we were raised in. We might think that when we get married it is just to one person, but it is true that "marry a guy, marry his family" But, this truth is still the most important and has to be placed as a very high priority:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24

I don't think that this means that we can completely ignore and berate our in-laws, but it does mean that when you get married, you create a new family and that you have to nurture and protect that new family as your most important treasure, and not let anyone destroy it.

I hope this helps some. Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Fearless Living

This is the life coach that made me think I could do this; After you read the background of her life you will not ever feel sorry for yourself again!



And if you've ever wished to live your life more fully-this book is for you!

Relationship Status

• When is a good time to make a relationship official? After how many dates that is? How exactly do you make a relationship official too?

Well, you might not like my answer, but here it is: "an answer given by another person usually is not remembered for very long"

What I mean by that is-what you know about your relationship is far more valuable than what I could possibly guess. Your answer is going to be the remembered answer-the one that will lead you to action.

But I'll put in my two cents anyway:

1. It is usually always better to move forward than to stand still

2. You must be confident in yourself--what's the worse that can happen?

3. Trust your instincts-when the time is right; you'll know.

4. In any potential relationship, it's important for both parties to be open and clear about how they feel. Do not let fear get in the way!

Some people date for a long time and never seem to have a good relationship. Others only have to meet once before they feel like it could last forever. Only you know under which category you fall. But I will leave you with one more quote:

"The combination of assurance and hope initiates action in the present."

It sounds like you have hope....now just gain some assurance in yourself and act accordingly!

Good luck!

-Amy

Gifted Hands, Ben Carson

Sometimes in life it is hard to imagine changing yourself. Here is a great book of a man that uses his faith in God to change his essential nature and use his gifts to heal others.

How This Works

I have always been a routine person. One of my routines has grown into this blog. Every morning before school I would steal the Everyday section of the newspaper away from my father after he had completed the crossword puzzle. I would quickly scour the comics and my horoscope, and then turn to the advice column.

Ask Abby, or whoever it was at the moment, became almost an obsession for me. And now, I would like to put that obsession into use. It always bothered me that I wasn't the one writing the column!
And so, here's my chance. I will answer every question you throw at me to the best of my ability...If I don't know...I won't pretend I know. If there is something you would like advice on, all you have to do is email me at askamyfitz@gmail.com or you can leave me an anonymous comment on Amy's Advice and I will post it on this blog....

Thank you to everyone for all of your support! Amy