1) How do you handle a situation with your husband where he thinks he wants to change what he is doing in his life career wise - but has amazingly unrealistic expectations of what he needs to do to make that happen. He believed he can just start making tons of money with all the right gadgets and equipment, and no training (this is a field you usually go to school for). Additionally, if he goes into this and drops his current job we will lose all fringe benefits, which means I will have to work full time to have any health insurance, etc for the two of us. We both want to have children relatively soon which would mean me not working, and having benefits available for us and the children. Myself, and the rest of the family feel very uncomfortable with this idea. I have prayed about it and it just seems so wrong. But my husband is the type who likes to change jobs every few years - gets bored easily. This is something I am not used to myself. Each time we talk about the pros and cons of him changing careers he says I am trying to "ruin his dreams" and perhaps I just want him miserable. Other times he is more open and understanding to the problems this can cause. I have suggested going to school, but as he has no college he does not want to start and go 4-6 years to do what he wants to do. He has read a couple of books on the topic where people in the business say "oh you need NO training, just have these things, practice a lot and you will be just as good as anyone with a degree." I am afraid I am being too pessimistic, but with the idea of bringing children into he relationship on the horizon I feel that I need to be a bit more cautious than if it were just the two of us. I also worry that if I am right, he could be very hurt when things do not work out. When he feels like he has failed at something it is very rough on him. I have urged him to look into it more, thinking he might see it the way others do - but he only responds by saying he knows all there is to know and has really studied it. So, my question is what to do exactly. And if you are wondering this was not something that came up before our marriage, and the kid thing really needs to happen in the next 2-3 year at the latest. Hopefully that gives you something to work with... :)
This is all probably going to be very random, but here are my thoughts:
- You have a very traditional and conventional way of thinking. You were probably raised this way, and you might not even realize it. But it sounds like your husband does not. His way of thinking is "outside the box." And honestly, that's okay. Both ways of doing things are fine. It's true that you "usually" would get training for these fields like you said, but you didn't say have to. If he can figure out a way to be successful without the training-then I say let him do it.
- I know the insurance thing is a concern. Trust me-we're in the insurance business. But again you are thinking traditionally. Having a full time job is not the only way to get good insurance for your family. You can purchase it separately. That may not be the "ideal" way to do it, but it's better than not staying home with your kids. And-I don't know your situation, but if you're really not going to have kids right away, you could get a job with benefits right now anyway. And later you might be able to find something that allows you to do both.
- Okay, having kids-while I do believe that you need to provide for your children, I do not believe that you should put off having them just because life is up in the air, or you don't think you can buy them everything under the sun. People have been having children forever, and I believe they always come when they are supposed to. You will never be fully prepared for them. I definitely don't think you should have one tomorrow, but within 2-3 years like you said I think is very doable. I know that my husband was very wary about having kids before we were financially stable, but he recognizes now that we could have done it. It would have been okay.
- I'm not saying it's always going to work out and be okay. It's very possible that your husband will fail, and you won't have a stable financial situation. But I also believe very strongly that you probably need to let him do this. Of course it will be rough on him if he fails. But it will be good for him in the long run. He will step it up and try again. Eventually it will work out. If it doesn't-I'm sure he would be willing to do something else. But you are crushing his dreams. If he's anything like my husband-he would be very sensitive to that.
- Men just want us to trust them. They are supposed to be the providers of the family and with few exceptions they take that role very seriously. When I asked my husband about this he explained that men worry a ton about taking care of their family, but the worst feeling in the world is being kept up at night with the knowledge that your wife doesn't trust you to do that job. It's kind of like your role as a wife and mother. If you wanted to try some new cleaner, or formula, or parenting technique, how would you feel if your husband said to you, "You have unrealistic expectations. I don't think that's a good idea. That won't work. I have to raise the kids/clean the house myself, etc." Maybe that's not a very good example, but basically I think what your husband is hearing from you is: "you're not good enough." No one wants to feel that way.
- He is probably sounding a lot more confident than he is. He is probably more worried than you. But he can't admit that-even to himself. Because if he does-then he probably will fail. In order for these types of things to work out-you need to believe in them. He probably seems prideful, angry, and unteachable when this comes up because he's scared. Try to give him a break-really.
- It's okay to be worried and scared. It's okay to not like this. It's okay to want him to go to school and do things in the conventional way. But it is not okay to expect him to feel the same way. It is not okay to make him feel like he is letting you and the entire family down just because he wants to do something different/new. Again, it's possible it might not work out. But, what is the worst that can happen? You might be thinking, "well, we could be broke, and starving, homeless, with a starving baby!" If things really would end up that way because of this, then I think you should nicely explain to your husband how you feel about that. But- you married him for a reason. I'm sure you're smart. I'm sure you would not purposely marry someone that would lead you to poverty. You say that this didn't come up before you got married. So what. There's tons of stuff that young, in love couples don't talk about. Real life swoops in pretty fast. But the important things are still there-your love, trust, and faith. Never forget to keep things in perspective.
There are lots of other things that I could probably say. If you would like to discuss this further, feel free to email me and I will make sure I keep you anonymous. I know this doesn't fix everything, but I would like to emphasize TRUST. Hopefully this gave you something to work with :)
My husband has a bad "habit" that I am having more and more trouble dealing with. When he feels that he has done something that will disappoint me, at times he will lie and tell me a different story because he "does not want to upset me" "does not want to seem dumb" etc. This happened once over something really that was not big in the grand scheme of things. Him telling the truth would not have been a problem. He was caught and I told him it was ok, but not to do it again because lying will hurt me more than any truth you have to tell. He agreed. Well two weeks ago, I caught him again - same situation as the first. His excuse was that he did not want to look dumb or upset me, so he thought it would just be easier to tell me something different. Unfortunately he did not get his timetable down very well, and his story made no sense (to me). I guess you could say he is not a very good liar. So I told him that not telling me the truth really did hurt my feelings, and I was not ok with it. He has apologized a ton, and I have forgiven him - but made it clear in no uncertain terms that this type of thing is not ok under any circumstances for me or him. My worry is that this is a coping pattern he uses to hide when he has done something that makes him feel inadequate, and he has probably been doing it most of his life. I really have no real evidence of that, but it is a hunch I have. Sadly, I feel myself analyzing everything he tells me just in case there is some inconsistency - like I have lost a part of the trust we had. This is definitely NOT what I wanted to happen, and what I was trying to avoid by stressing to him that telling the truth is SO important to me (and something that should happen in ALL relationships, not matter what it is). I am not sure exactly what I am asking, other than "where do I go from here?" Or any other advice you may have. (and this is my last question! - for now)
Let me start off with a humorous anecdote:
Wife: "What do you ever do around here to help me?"
Husband: "I killed the mouse for you last week."
Wife: "So?"
Husband: "Well, I got another one that I didn't even tell you about!"
Simply stated-yes, your husband is lying to protect you, and himself. You so that you don't have to get upset about things (like the mouse). It could be stuff like money, mold in the bathroom, broken china, or losing his job. Eventually, it's important that he tells you-but most men wouldn't want to do that until after things have worked out (a plumber has been called, a check has been deposited, the plate has been glued, a resume has been sent out, etc.)
"My worry is that this is a coping pattern he uses to hide when he has done something that makes him feel inadequate, and he has probably been doing it most of his life."
You are right on. But my response is-so what? Doesn't everyone have a coping mechanism? Don't you? I know a guy who falls asleep every time his wife tries to talk to him about something serious. Someone else has guilt for every little thing he does wrong, and mopes for days. Your husband lies. If he's been doing it for most of his life-you can't take it personally! He is not personally trying to lie to you. He probably hates himself for it. He doesn't need you to hate him for it too.
My suggestion is to make him feel as adequate as you can. Boost him up, and TRUST him. There's that word again-it works. You may not feel like he trusts you-but what goes around comes around. Follow the golden rule-it's famous for a reason.
You said you forgave him-but it's obviously still bothering you. Pray to get over it. You have to forgive and forget. And don't put such strict expectations on him like "it's not acceptable to do it again." If it's his coping mechanism, he probably will do it again. Most of us struggle with these things our entire lives. That's why we're mortal. Obviously, lying is wrong. I do not deny that. But the reasons behind the lying may not be. Does that make sense? Only you know how to adjust it to your situation.
Lastly, it may seem like I am overly defending your husband, and treating him like he's not doing anything wrong. (in both situations). This is not so. While I do not condone "men bashing" of any sort, nor do I think they are perfect, or can do no wrong. Of course they can. But-that doesn't mean that you have to. You have the choice to be 100% perfect wife everyday. And I think that you will find that by focusing on improving yourself, and loving your husband-he will become better himself.
I have no doubt that you have a great marriage and that these two situations will work out. Keep up the good work. And as always, do not hesitate to see a professional if needed.
Thanks for writing. These were tough questions. I probably did not do them justice.
Keep em coming!
Good luck,
Amy
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Hm. Some very good points. I guess I should say that as far as the career thing, the main reason I am worried is because one of us is not privately insurable and has some pretty bad health problems that re-occur on a regular basis. While they are not life threatening, they make it where we cannot be privately insured as this is going to be counted as a pre-existing condition. We both realize it would only take one re-occurrance without insurance for us to be in a financial position from which we could not recover. I guess that is the wonder of the medical situation here in America. I guess this puts us in a bit more of a "special" situation than most couples. This we did know before we got married. Which means that we have to have constant insurance coverage, and if we change employers it would need to be to a plan that takes you at enrollment. So this would need to be either my insurance or his depending on who is working a job (I guess it could be both of us) that has it. I guess I just see that if he does pursue what he wants to do I am going to need to work for an extended period of time, which is not what the plan was when we got married. Not that I mind working - it is not that, I just do want to have children and we both believe that as a mother I should be home with them whenever possible. What he would like to do employment wise would make it possible for him to be home with the children, but we both agree that while that could be ok for a while - we would not want it long term. I am sure his parenting skills are wonderful, but it is just what we both agree would be best (as of now). As far as when we have children we are not really in a position to have them right now for a number of reasons I will not go into, but as soon as those reasons change (which they will within a set time period) we would like to have a litter. Not a huge litter, but a litter none the less. I do not really care what kind of job we have at the time, as long as we have enough to pay the bills - nothing fancy. I just do not want to end up in a situation where we are unable to care for the children. Neither of us grew up in homes that had that kind of problem. I came from a more affluent home and was a bit spoiled, he was more on the edge of having enough for the family to pay the bills. This came from really, really bad spending habits of one of his parents - which are still a problem. They are in their 70's and still working with no savings, and recently had to take out a second mortgage to cover some debt. Whereas my parents are in their 60's and have enought to retire and make the payments on bills, the house is paid off, etc. His spending habits tend to be a lot more like his parents than I would like. No savings, if there is $8 in the checking account at the end of the month then it was a good month. That is not my way of thinking at all. I guess I want to change things now were we are on a path closer to the one my parents took than the one that his parents did. Unfortunately, we still have very different ideas of what is "ok" financially. I do not want to spoil my children as much as I was, but I would like to have enough to go on trips to visit family off and on, things like that. I really do like things quite simple, and think that the home environment should be stable. This would include having good spending habits to SHOW the children as they grow up. While my husband worries about his parents and their position, he does not always see the things that he does that I believe were influenced from living that way. I am sure there are an equal number of things he could point out on my side though (it is always easier when you are not the one involved to find the faults). For example, he came into the marriage with a large amount of debt from bad spending habits - some of this debt was from other business ideas that did not work out. We are still paying for that and will be for many, many years. He has already invested about $8,000 into this "new business idea" as far as equipment and software, but nothing has come of it. With his primary job he is not going to have time to do it. Yet, he keeps wanting to spend money that we really do not have on items that would relate to the business he wants to start. I am constantly having to tell him no, probably at least two times a month for things he wants to buy that would either have to go on credit or would come close to emptying our bank account entirely. Again, he feels like this is me limiting or ruining the dream that he has, whereas I see it as not making more debt right now. It is hard to invest in something right now that you know you will not be able to get a return on for a long time - especially when you are still paying off previous investments from say 6 years ago. That is why I push so hard to do things differently...where maybe his ideas will not keep ending up not working out. I do not want to keep him from going for his dreams, but then again it scares me. I guess that just is part of life being uncertain. I feel like I have been playing the "bad cop" in the relationship for months now as it relates to money, but as we do not have a lot - someone needs to set limits. A very long time ago he put me in charge of the money because he does realize that he is not that great at it - yet he gets upset when I tell him we cannot afford something. I feel like I am in a bit of a no win situation there (especially if it comes to his ideas for the future business). I am the type of person who likes to make everyone happy, never want to give bad news, want to cheer them up, keep them in a good mood - and I just have not felt able to do that in this case.
Sorry for the rambling - I think that I am just using this comment to think things through a little more. I should point out that we really do have a wonderful relationship. The things that worry me, while they are "big" things are in no way representative of the time we spend together, how much we care about each other, or even what we talk about 99% of the time. They are just those things that you sit in bed and worry about, the things that are not quite perfect that you would like to be. I guess those things will always exists, and right now these are just the ones that we have.
As far as the lying, I think that you are right. I am being offended by something that is not being done just towards me, or in any way to hurt me. It happens to be something that is one of my pet peeves, and is also one of his coping mechanisms. I will just need time and a lot of prayer to make that work. Until then, I just will have to pretend it does not bother me as much. I have found that sometimes pretending makes the real thing a lot easier. The post that came after mine was quite interesting - mainly because the thing that he had lied to me about was regarding his church attendance. I had been out of town, as had he on several occasions, and well he told me he went when he did not. He is struggling with feeling motivated to go. If I am there it is not much of a problem, but if there is a case where I am not there, he tends to want to bail. I find myself dragging him into reading his scriptures, making sure he remembers to pay tithing, etc. While I have given him a good amount of time to get over certain things that were hard, he keeps promising me that he will "get back into the swing of things" - but only on his own time. If I encourage him, or nag him it is only going to make it happen slower, or make him not want to do it (something that I have to admit I find a bit childish?). He knows I want him to be fully active again for all the right reasons, and just want him happy. He knows it makes him happiest when he is in that spot - yet things are not going in that direction on their own. While he keeps saying to give him time, that time seems like it does not have an end. I also have this stereotypical fantasy that if things were right spritually we would not have as many problems or disagreements in the other areas. He has made it clear that trying to motivate him only makes it worse, so I have backed off and just do what I can on my end to be a silent example, as well as a lot of praying that he will find that niche that he is seeking. On the other hand, I married someone who promised to stay temple worthy and be a worthy priesthood holder in my home. While I know that no one is perfect, it has been a long time since those things were present, and I miss them.
Well, I have so many other things I need to be doing other than complaining, so I will end here. Thank you so much for the advice and listening to me. Many times I think that it just helps to be able to have someone hear the thoughts that is outside the immediate situation, and not emotionally attached. :) Thanks again, and keep up the good work.
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