Words of Wisdom

While I respect people of all religions, and this blog is for people of all religions, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe in apostles and prophets that speak to us today. What I have to say is of very little value compared to these men of God. So here are their most recent words:

October '09 General Conference

It Worked for Them

There are lots of words of wisdom about marriage out there. But when someone has been married (happily, joyfully) for 50 years, it seems wise to listen to what they have to say. So here is one of their secrets. I, for one, will be paying attention...

Marriage Contract

Dee & DeAnna Packer

I commit total loyalty to Jesus Christ, His commandments, and you--realizing that marriage and the family are central to God’s Plan of Happiness. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

I understand that my fulfillment as a person does not ultimately depend upon any other person, including you. Though I commit myself to be one with you, I am in charge of my personal happiness. Proverbs 23:7

I accept you as a unique and separate person who is very different from me. I understand I need to deal with those differences in ways that are not critical or judgmental. You do not have to be a carbon copy of me.

· When we collide—because of our differences—I will negotiate with you, invite you to meet me half way rather than insisting you think, act, or believe my way. “Learn to listen, listen to learn”… "With all thy getting, get UNDERSTANDING." Proverbs 4: 7

· I will not relentlessly complain about you. If I am constantly unhappy, I will look inward for ways of changing me so I can feel better. Proverbs 21:19

When I do need changes, I will ask for them, using kind language (“Would you be willing…,” etc.). I will take responsibility for inviting rather than demanding changes from you.

· I will allow you to say no, and will also exercise that right when I do not feel good about giving what you’ve requested. However, instead of a flat “no,” I will make counter-proposals to try to find a solution that will meet your needs and mine. If I say yes to you, I will give what you want without resentment.

I recognize that when I get angry with you, it is because I am creating anger in myself. I realize, too, that I am responsible for expressing my anger in ways that are not destructive to you.

· No matter how angry or upset I get, I will never threaten to, or actually harm you or myself. If I tend to become harsh or abusive when I get angry, I will take immediate steps to learn how to avoid such behavior.

· I will not use anger, or sulking, or continuing to be hurt as methods of controlling you. Neither will I use criticism or pin pricks to pressure you to do what I want. I will not call the relationship into jeopardy if we quarrel by threatening to leave you or to end the relationship. “Church callings are temporary…family relationships are permanent.” Dallin H. Oaks Oct. 2005 (What is the difference between admonition and criticism? D&C 6:19)

I give highest priority to my loyalty to you. I will not reveal confidences you have shared with me without advance permission. I will not embarrass you by airing our differences or by drawing other people into our conflicts.

· I will not make you the brunt of jokes.

· I will not flirt or give ‘come-on’ signals to others that will humiliate you and undermine our relationship.

· I will put your needs before those of outsiders, and I will protect you from criticism by not complaining to these people.

When I am happy with you, I will tell the world. When I am unhappy with you, I will tell only you. If I genuinely need help, I will confide in someone who can give aid rather than someone who will just agree with me.

· I will consistently give you feedback concerning your positive qualities, actions and growth.

. I will keep my negative feedback to a minimum and my positive feedback to a maximum.

I will keep my body healthy and attractive. But, realizing that perfection is unrealistic, I give you, and myself, the right not to be a perfect “10.” I will also find challenges to keep myself mentally alert. D&C 89

I recognize I do not “own” or “possess” you. Because of this, I will refrain from using words like “allow” or “let” or “can’t” in reference to your activities. I ask that you extend the courtesy of coordinating your schedule with mine, but I do not expect you to ask permission to do the things you wish.

· I will not try to control or manipulate you with sex or money. I will share equal responsibility with you for planning our mutual finances and for making joint decisions about major expenditures.

· I place high value on our love and will be open to you sexually. If at times I may not feel available, I will tell you kindly and directly.

· I give you the right to “private” time—time to pursue individual interests, to enjoy solitude, or to do nothing. I will give you that time without complaint or penalty.

. I give high priority to creating “we” times that bond us together. I will often reach out to talk to you, to be affectionate, and to work and play side by side I will remember that truly, "two are better than one." Ecclesiastes 4:9

Indulge Me

As you can see-this blog has been neglected. My life coaching has been sporadic at best. But a few private "coaching" conversations created a spark. A spark that lit my passion. My drive to help people thrive in their relationships no longer lies dormant. I crave purpose filled days and changed lives. However-life circumstances prevent me from creating a fire. A part of me resents this. But then I remember. It is not the time of my life to scribe great novels or to turn my advice filled conversations into a paycheck. It is the time of my life, however, to raise up two (for now) little ones with the hope that they can become the sort of people that will change lives. If that's all I do-it will be enough.
Tonight, after rejuvenating myself with these words, the daily fire that is called "Motherhood" burns brighter.

"When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses?" (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, "The Women of God," 10-11)

I very much desire and hope to continue the service of life coaching. Not just this blog, but in all aspects of my relationships. But I hope that I can always remember to keep the flames of this career in check. That when my days are filled with unsatisfying mundane tasks, and I long for a sense of recognition and purpose, that I can remember and proudly say, "I am a Mother." And it is enough.

Unrequited Love

Dear Stephanie,
I have omitted most of your question due to length, but I'm going to answer these questions as they come, and then add some of my own thoughts.

QUESTIONS:
If you are a girl…
 Can you understand what I have done? Yes, I can understand it.Would you have done the same? Not really, but I have been in similar situations and have empathy towards a lot of your feelings.
 Do you think Matt still has feelings towards me? No idea.
 Is what I felt love or just a crush? Well, in my opinion, love is a crush and a crush is love. But from my experience real love can hardly be felt if it's unrequited. The best love is when there is a channel for it. Love is a verb. It is actively giving to another person. So you probably do love Matt, but it is not at it's full capacity because you can't do anything about it.
 What should I do now?
I honestly believe that you need to put an end to this. Either way. And it is within your power to do it. From my experience:

1. I am around 5 or 6 and I too have a crush on a much older boy who is a family friend. We too were paired up by family and our parents made it out to be something "cute." I was bold. We were at a party and I took him aside and for the first time in my life I whispered those 3 little words, "I love you". The look of shock on his face was something right out of the movies. I don't remember what he said. But I do remember his look and the way he walked away. And then for the first time I saw myself and realized how silly the whole thing was. My feelings suddenly were not as intense and I was able to move on very quickly. Now as an adult I am proud of myself for my bravery and have applied this experience to many aspects of my life.
2. I am in high school and I like a guy for over a year. He and I are great friends and talk all the time. He goes through several crushes before he finally decides he wants to be with me. We date for a few months and then he goes to college and it's not the same ever again.
3. I am in college and once again I am the subject of unrequited love. We are friends and see each other everyday. I make myself crazy over how to make him fall in love with me. But the whole time he has a girlfriend. I never told him how I felt. I just suffered for almost a year with the knowledge that I failed. Even though I am blissfully happy with my husband, I still regret not opening my mouth and saying how I felt. I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I just got rejected early and moved on.

Now I know that these experiences are not going to fix everything for you and may not make you feel better at all. But I share them because of what I have learned. I have learned that I should not let a boy or feelings get in the way I want to live my life. And that if I can't change the way someone feels, I shouldn't try.

Two more things:

1. You may have a hard time changing your feelings. They are so much of who you are. But it is possible.
2. What you must do above all else is change your actions. You are not in control of anyone or anything else but you. I honestly hope that you can share your feelings with Matt and that he shares them too, but if not-you need to live your life in a healthy, and a productive, and a happy way. Whatever you have to do to get there-do it. Get counseling, rely on good friends and family, love yourself, and get to where you can respect your life.

Good luck,

Amy