Allison Deming said...
Ok I am finally going to utilize your advice. What do you do when the Christmas traditions of a new family are SO different on each side. My side of the family, lots of gifts, everyone gets everyone something - sometimes more than one something, etc. His side of the family, draw names, one gift, $20 limit. Now, these are quite reflective of the difference in family financial situations. My side, no problems at all, his side much more diverse and a great need to be frugal in one or two families (if you need more detail here, I can call or something!). I have heard you should do the same for both sides, but I have two nieces who are always used to getting a gift from Aunt Ali, and my Brother, Sister in Law, Mom and Dad always get one too. They have no problem understanding if when changed, but the kids of course would, they are too young. But, I cannot change what my family does for us. My brother will get me more than one gift, and my parents will get more than one for both Justin and I...probably more than 3 actually. You want to be reciprocal right? So I should get them all something...that is how I feel, but are we being equal? Justin thinks leaving things the way they are is fine, but I worry it could cause problems down the road...never know. So what is kosher for family Christmas gift giving when you get married? All advice welcome...
Dear Allison,
You answered your own question when you said, "Justin thinks leaving things the way they are is fine." I agree with Justin. Our families have kept things the same way that we had them growing up. But there is some flexibility that is needed when you get married and are trying to meld traditions. We switch off holidays every year between our families. However, both of our parents will be with us this year. But it's the in-laws year-so we're going to be doing Christmas their way this year. But my in-laws do try to incorporate some of my most important traditions to their own. But I never try to push anything. I think being flexible and forgiving is the most important thing. Your families probably don't quite know what to do either. Communication is really important. And if you're worried about things down the road-I would say just keep an eye on the situation. If you can tell that tension has sprung up-then talk to the offended party and fix it. But "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Thanks for the question. Merry Christmas!
-Amy
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Yes, that is what we were thinking...but now that I have a professional opinion I feel better about it. Being slightly on the OCD side I like to try to fix things before they could even potentially break. That is my problem - worrying too much. We decided to have my parents only mail one gift for each of us to his parents house for Christmas. They have purchased several, but they will be coming to my house and we will open them when we get back. Thus my family is sending a one modest gift to Justin, and two for me with one being for my birthday. His family had invited us to have gifts from my family sent there since we would not be seeing them. So we decided to do that, just to make sure that there was the illusion that we had relatively equal gift giving on both sides. We thought that would be best. If anyone happens to ask if my parents actually got us more and mailed them elsewhere, I will be happy to tell them the truth...but I do not foresee this happening.
As far as Christmas traditions, well that is going to be another story. They want to have something everynight for about two weeks. I HAVE to work on my dissertation and stuff for my job interview in Virginia right after school starts back. I made the assumption that their Christmas would be a lot like ours, very laid back. I was wrong. Apparently it is go to someone's house for something every night, stay late, then drive back. Not only would my back not understand this lifestyle, my research advisor would not either (as she was nice enough to give me two weeks off to spend with my husband - as long as I did work). So we will see how that goes.
But...here is the real fun of late. I got an in person interview with a small school in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia where the student teacher ratio is 1 to 14. It is my favorite school, and I was so excited about the phone interview I almost popped. So when they called me back ONLY four hours later to tell me they wanted me there ASAP in January (turned out to be the 22nd) for an in person interview...it was hard to contain myself. Well Justin's mother called to ask a question, and of course I told her my good news. Here is what she said "Well that is great, but you are not going to go are you? That is way too far away from Colorado for you to actually take a job there...". Yeah that was fun. Of so fun. Adventures with In-Laws. You should write a book.... :) Thanks again for the advice, and tell Ryan I keep checking my mailbox, and seeing nothing. It makes me sad. Perhaps he could have it here on the 19th for my birthday? :):):)
Allison
I have to comment because me and my husband come from very different families as well. His side is the very frugal, draw names, one gift $50 limit (which is nice), and his parents are included in on that. I thought that was extremely weird because I believe that you should always give your parents a gift of some sort at Christmas and birthdays. It is one way that we can say how grateful we are for everything they have done and continue to do for us. They do have several family traditions that I have tried to incorporate into our family and of course we have some of our own.
Now, my family on the other hand, we use to buy for everyone, just one gift, but we started drawing names a couple of years ago and it works out wonderful (much less stress). My parents are not included in that drawing. They still continue to spoil us.
Now with that said, my husbands parents have no idea what nor how much my parents give us. I don't feel that they need to know those things. Our families are different and I like it that way. My parents do know what we do with the in-laws, mainly because I am always asking what to get my mother-in-law. We do buy for whoever we draw but I then purchase something for his mom and dad, regardless. Hopefully this all makes sense, sorry if not.
Thanks for the post Allison and the answer Amy. You have inspired me to post about family traditions.
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