I'm Sooo Sorry

Dear faithful/any readers of this blog:
I apologize that I have been negligent to you. Apparently I had no idea that my comments were being moderated, and as a result, didn't see any of the questions addressed to me. I hereby repent and am back to being at your service.
I can't guarantee how frequently and quickly I can respond to questions (I will have my hands full come August with my new arrivals) but I still am willing to keep this blog updated for you. Helping and responding to you is what I love to do.
Be sure to read the newest questions and advice posted below.

Thank you so much for your patience,
Amy

Heart Sick Marriage

Amy,
My 24 year old nephew is engaged. There are just so many issues with this engagement, I feel like I am watching the train run off the bridge and don't know how to stop it. They currently live with his parents and most importantly neither has lived on their own. (They have never paid rent, gas and electric- nothing!) The fiance suffers from manic depression and has been hospitalized twice during the last year. I see my sister constantly buffering between the two when times get stressed between the couple. If my nephew is playing a game or talking to a friend and not paying attention to the fiance, she will say, "I'm mad at you" and storm away. He immediately rushes to her side. He does not even walk into the other room unless she is right next to him.
I finally went to speak to my sister. I stated my feelings in the most gentle way, I told her that at the least they should not get married until they have lived on their own -and have her son deal with the mental health issues on his own. I told her what I had observed and my fear that they are both unaware of what they will be dealing because my sister is always there to intervene when the fiance gets sick or just starts pouting over not getting attention. Yet, they are still rushing to get married in September. My husband and I are just sick over this, what can we do? My husband has a talked to my brother in law, also. Do I just accept this or what? I am just so heart sick over this.

Dear Heart Sick,

I don't blame you. I agree that this marriage is heading toward dangerous waters. There are definitely several warning signs and red flags.

Unfortunately, I don't know what you can do about it. I'm glad that you have lovingly addressed your concerns to your sister. What was her reaction? If she handled it well, could you push a little further? I don't think it's wise to "break up" the couple or end the marriage, but I agree that postponing it, or at least getting them to live on their own would be a great step. Lots of young, naive kids get married without knowing what rent is, and they can usually work it out. But the manic depression is a worry. Those things usually escalate in marriage and would require professional help.

As an aunt, or parent it's hard to know how much to help children. I'm all for parents "helping" their adult children-but not to the point that they become a crutch! There is a scary trend these days of "our generation" (yes, I'm young and naive too) not knowing how to work, keep a job, live on their own, or to work through things without giving up. We feel a sense of entitlement to everything without working for it. I don't know how this happened but I think it's a shame. I think it sure would be tough to watch your child suffer through situations though. It would be hard not to help.

Beyond expressing your concern, and going to the nephew yourself, I'm afraid my expertise doesn't extend much further. As far as accepting it, I don't think you need to right now. But the day that they say I do officially is when it probably is time to keep your opinions to yourself and love your family. This doesn't mean that you have to pretend every thing's okay, but it's past the time to try to change things that have already happened. It would be wise at that point to help and support your nephew into having a good marriage. Hopefully that makes sense. I'm not trying to tell you to have a blind eye or to accept abnormal behavior. But now is the time to express your opinions most strongly. But please do not burn bridges with your family. This marriage is probably going to take place no matter what, and I would hate for you to lose your relationship with your sister, etc. over it. No sense in making yourself miserable.

You seem like a practical and intelligent person. I recommend above all that you follow your instincts. You know your family. You'll know what is best to do. I don't know if you are religious or not, but I always highly recommend prayer. It is the best solution to any situation. Feel free to write again for more help.
And I'm sure that other readers could help me out with suggestions here as well. The best of luck to you!
-Amy

School Dilemma

Dear,Amy Im having promblems getting to public school what do you think I should do? help me im in a private school and I been in this school for and im not in catholic school Im thirteen in 8 grade. from Help me!!!!!

Dear Help Me,
Although I feel your pain, without knowing too much about the situation, there's probably not much I can offer you. But I can say this. The first thing I would do is talk to your parents. I know it probably seems like you can't. You might think they won't care, won't listen to you, or maybe you don't have the kind of homelife to be able to talk to anybody. But please do find the courage to talk to your parental figures. Find some adult to talk to. As scary as we/they appear to be, I'm sure they love you and want you to be happy.

Explain to them what you do not like about your school, and have a plan to propose to them about why it's important for you to change.

I recognize that you are a smart and brave girl and I'm so happy you chose to find me and ask this question. Feel free to email me with any more support or advice. Good luck to you!
-Amy

Not my Advice

What do you do when it seems like everything you do doesn't work? Trying to motivate the husband to be better and more excited about church. I know this has been asked before but perhaps you have some more insight and information this time. Trying to get him to have a better attitude, at least that is what I think he needs, perhaps he doesn't.

Thanks for the question. You're right that I have touched on this before, and honestly I don't have any further insight. Except that I want to touch on your first sentence:

What do you do when it seems like everything you do doesn't work?

Whether you are talking about motivating your husband, or disciplining your children, or any number of things, there are always times when we all feel like this.

The solution is simple and we've heard it before, but I think it's so simple that we often "look beyond the mark."

There is someone there who is supposed to "pick up all the slack" When we've done all we can do, then it is "by His grace that we are saved."

So my answer? Pray. I know that seems almost too simple, but it's the only thing I know to do that will work with 100% gaurantee. "Pray like everything depends on Him, and then get up and work like everything depends on you." Pres. Hinckley

In your case, the "work" part is probably to sit back, listen to the Spirit and trust in your faith.

Good luck!

-Amy

Family Ties

Hey Amy, me again. I have a question. What do you do when you have a family member of your new husband (say a sister) who basically does not like you, says she does not have the time to get to know you to see if she would like you, and is actually outwardly mean, rude, and cruel to you at family gatherings. Lets say I have tried to be nice, tried to get to know them a little, and tried so much I just want to quit now. So my husband stepped in. He talked to her, she says she is just stressed and could care less what I think. This talking to has been done twice, once on the phone and once in person, with no good outcome. While I get along great with the mother in law, the sister tends to say things to her that are not so nice about me (even though we never talk, so that is a bit befuzzeling), and she passes them on. So talking to her becomes a hard conversation as this sister is caring for the MIL most of the time. So, do you have any suggestions as to what I should do? Is giving up and not caring so much about it really the answer, or is that not the right thing to do? All opinions welcomed...Thanks!

Well, it's hard to answer this without knowing the parties involved, but I would say that you have done the right things so far. If this were not family, then I would say that sometimes you just have to protect yourself and to walk away. But since you can't just always avoid this person I would have to say that you should just keep being nice. Always. This doesn't mean that you have to be a doormat, but as long as you know you are living with integrity and your slate is clean, then the other family members will know it too. Your MIL may listen to the sister in the short term, but if you stick to your guns and remain nice and trustworthy, she will come to know the truth about you in the long run. Families are tough. It's hard to know how much to forgive and how much to stand up for yourself. Don't get me wrong-being nice doesn't mean that you have to be best friends with this person. I'm sure you and your husband will find the balance that meets your needs.

Good luck!
Amy

On Callings

Anonymous said...
I have two callings. One is pretty intense and I like it, the other one I, well I guess I will have to be blunt, hate. I have been having trouble feeling the spirit while serving because I just don’t like it at all. I keep feeling like they got the wrong person for the job. I want to serve happily but I just don’t like the calling. My husband just does not understand, he is the best at everything and I feel inadequate. I feel very guilty as I have never before felt like this and just don’t know what to do??

I have a few simple suggestions:
1. Talk to your Bishop about how you feel. That's what he's there for. It doesn't mean that you are asking to be released or trying to get out of anything, but if he knows how you feel, then he will be able to receive inspiration on your behalf as to best help.
2. I think it's okay that you hate a calling. We are not required to love every minute of service, we are only required to serve the best we can. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase, "Fake it until you make it." You may hate it and go through the motions for awhile, but if you act like you love it, someday it may appear that you really do.
3. Don't worry that your husband doesn't understand. I'm sure he cares and is willing to help. But please do not compare yourself to him or anyone else. We are all given our own set of experiences to help us learn and grow. His turn will come.
4. As far as feeling guilty-I completely understand. But please know that this is a feeling that the Lord does not want us to have. He loves you and wants you to turn to Him. The Atonement is there for these circumstances as well. Pray sincerely to have peace. I'm sure it will come.

Please feel free to email me with any follow up. Good luck to you!
-Amy