First of all, I would say go to this great article. It's obvious that there are several people who are in your same boat. Coping with in-laws is an age old question. But there are several things you can and should do.
Without knowing all of the specifics (I don't know what you mean by "crazy expectations") here are some general principles.
- Give them the benefit of the doubt-You love your spouse and they raised them, and so their parents can't be all that bad. I know you said that they don't even understand their own children, but depending on how long you have been married-you probably aren't an expert either. They don't know what it's like to have in-laws either and so it's probably best to think that they are doing the best they can.
- How does your spouse feel about the situation? Do they think that their parents are weird with crazy expectations as well? Or is it just you? If it is just you, then try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes and look for the positive in their family. If it is the two of you, come together as one and come up with your own expectations for your family, and stick by them no matter what. Perhaps you would want to post some family rules in your home so that your in-laws are aware of what is expected from them. For example, if you expect them to take their shoes off upon entering your home, make sure that is clear in a non-confrontational way. If it doesn't matter to you-make that clear also.
- Respect the rules and expectations of their home. Even if it doesn't make sense to you-they have a right to run their household in the way that is best for them. If they are vegetarians for instance, be nice and save your carnivore habits for your house.
- Without knowing how close you live to them, it's hard to give advice about visits. But make sure you and your spouse agree on what is acceptable visitation for both parties. If they expect you to come over every week with the kids for dinner-you may have to agree on that. But if they expect you to come over everyday-you can firmly tell them that although you love spending time with them, that you need to have some boundaries in order to establish your own family right now.
- I know it's hard when you HAVE to be with these people whom you normally would not have chosen to associate with, but the golden rule still applies here. Be as nice as you can. However, I'm sure there are cases which require some real distance from toxic influences. If the in-laws are emotionally or physically abusing your family, then you have a right to avoid them and get professional help. Otherwise, it might trust require some mutual toleration.
- Try to have a sense of humor. If it really is not that important-just let it go.
- All marriages and families require work-but let's not be afraid of work!
I'm sure that lots of people have sympathy for your situation. It is hard to enter a whole new family when we are so influenced and directed by the family we were raised in. We might think that when we get married it is just to one person, but it is true that "marry a guy, marry his family" But, this truth is still the most important and has to be placed as a very high priority:
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24
I don't think that this means that we can completely ignore and berate our in-laws, but it does mean that when you get married, you create a new family and that you have to nurture and protect that new family as your most important treasure, and not let anyone destroy it.
I hope this helps some. Thanks for writing, and good luck!
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