Caught in the Middle

Dear Amy,

I been having this problem with myself going to church and my family. See I'm the only person in my family who is LDS and I go to church and church activites. But the past couple weeks people in my ward want me to try to get my parents involved in the church. When they've told me the don't and every since I started going to church my parents are fighting all the time and are thinking of spliting up. So I'm thinking that going to church is tearing my family apart. Any Advice?

If your parents are going to split up, they are going to split up and it won't have anything to do with you or whether or not you go to church. You need to do what feels right in your heart. If you talk with your parents and let them know how concerned you are about this, I'm sure they will reassure you.
It would be great if your parents shared your beliefs, but if they don't-they can and should still be supportive to yours. Talk to them about the expectations that you have-do you need rides to church and do you need them to go with you?
The best thing I would have to say is make sure you have a conversation with them. It might not change anything, but I'm guessing it will make you feel better.

Good luck,
Amy

True?

Dear Amy,

I'm having this problem where I am questioning whether or not I'm going to get baptized in my LDS Church. I started going to church in my home town of Las Vegas and I loved it so much. Then I ended up moving to Washington and I was going to get baptized in September of 06 then before I was going to go into the water I decide not to go though with it. Now I'm having the problem if I should try it again. I don't know if it's because I got so used to my old church that I can't try a new church. Any Advice?

From Confused.

Dear Confused,
This is a tough one because I'm afraid I am biased. I am a faithful member of the LDS church and as such I think getting baptized is the right thing to do. However, I can't go to church for you, or get baptized for you. So I'm afraid this is something that you will have to make your own decision about.
But there is good news-you don't have to make the decision alone. Remember that "ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you."
If you really desire to know whether the church is true (not just if you have friends there or if it's entertaining), but if it's really true, and you ask God in sincere prayer, He will let you know if getting baptized is the right thing.
This experience probably won't be anything fancy, and it may take some time, but it will be real, and it will be right.
The other thing I would say to you is that you'll never be able to make a decision if you are half-hearted. Go to church every week. Go to any of the social activities or service projects they offer. Study the scriptures and read LDS literature that will develop your knowledge of the principles. Live as if you were baptized and I think it will become obvious to you what you should do.
Also, I would talk to your ward leaders and peers and find out what made them join. Ask any questions you may have.
I know that a lot of the time people go to church because of their friends or the time of day, or the minister, but in this church it is important to join because you have a testimony of its truthfulness. You don't need to know everything about it and you most certainly will have lots more questions, but you can pray and get to the point where you do not doubt it is true.
Good luck making your decision. I know you will do the right thing.

Thanks,
Amy

Work Dilemma

Amy,
My work review is six months overdue. My anniversary date happened when my employer was having heart surgery. He has recovered and recently he acknowledged that we should talk before his vacation. But it came and went and we still haven't talked. Since his surgery, his health hasn't returned 100%, he hasn't had the stamina to work as before and because of this revenue is down. I need to ask for a $3,000 raise due to expensive prescription drugs and I think my work reflects that I am worth that much more. I want to be sensitive to the company's problems and really don't plan to leave if I don't get the full $3000 but want to know what I should do. Loyal to a fault?

No, you are not loyal to a fault. It's great that you are sensitive enough to take your company and boss' health into consideration. However, it is not good that you have put their needs so far above your own. Just because someone is dealing with something in their own life, it doesn't mean that they aren't willing to help someone else.
So I will say to you what my grandfather said to me many times: "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." I think that you absolutely should approach your boss about the raise. Especially since you want to do it the right way-you are willing to be reviewed and expect a fair amount. If I were to guess I would say that your boss just simply has forgotten about this, or at least put it on the bottom of the priority list. I think he will respect you if you politely bring these issues to his attention.
If he doesn't seem willing to meet with you, however, don't give up. It is your company right to be reviewed and you should not be put off forever.

Thank you so much for your question and good luck to you. Be sure to let us know how it goes. Let me know if I can help in any other way. Thanks!

Amy

Coming Soon

again I apologize to any delay in answering questions. I have added a couple members to my family so they have been getting most of the attention...but I will be getting "back to work" soon...
my best goes out to everyone.

Love, Amy

I'm Sooo Sorry

Dear faithful/any readers of this blog:
I apologize that I have been negligent to you. Apparently I had no idea that my comments were being moderated, and as a result, didn't see any of the questions addressed to me. I hereby repent and am back to being at your service.
I can't guarantee how frequently and quickly I can respond to questions (I will have my hands full come August with my new arrivals) but I still am willing to keep this blog updated for you. Helping and responding to you is what I love to do.
Be sure to read the newest questions and advice posted below.

Thank you so much for your patience,
Amy

Heart Sick Marriage

Amy,
My 24 year old nephew is engaged. There are just so many issues with this engagement, I feel like I am watching the train run off the bridge and don't know how to stop it. They currently live with his parents and most importantly neither has lived on their own. (They have never paid rent, gas and electric- nothing!) The fiance suffers from manic depression and has been hospitalized twice during the last year. I see my sister constantly buffering between the two when times get stressed between the couple. If my nephew is playing a game or talking to a friend and not paying attention to the fiance, she will say, "I'm mad at you" and storm away. He immediately rushes to her side. He does not even walk into the other room unless she is right next to him.
I finally went to speak to my sister. I stated my feelings in the most gentle way, I told her that at the least they should not get married until they have lived on their own -and have her son deal with the mental health issues on his own. I told her what I had observed and my fear that they are both unaware of what they will be dealing because my sister is always there to intervene when the fiance gets sick or just starts pouting over not getting attention. Yet, they are still rushing to get married in September. My husband and I are just sick over this, what can we do? My husband has a talked to my brother in law, also. Do I just accept this or what? I am just so heart sick over this.

Dear Heart Sick,

I don't blame you. I agree that this marriage is heading toward dangerous waters. There are definitely several warning signs and red flags.

Unfortunately, I don't know what you can do about it. I'm glad that you have lovingly addressed your concerns to your sister. What was her reaction? If she handled it well, could you push a little further? I don't think it's wise to "break up" the couple or end the marriage, but I agree that postponing it, or at least getting them to live on their own would be a great step. Lots of young, naive kids get married without knowing what rent is, and they can usually work it out. But the manic depression is a worry. Those things usually escalate in marriage and would require professional help.

As an aunt, or parent it's hard to know how much to help children. I'm all for parents "helping" their adult children-but not to the point that they become a crutch! There is a scary trend these days of "our generation" (yes, I'm young and naive too) not knowing how to work, keep a job, live on their own, or to work through things without giving up. We feel a sense of entitlement to everything without working for it. I don't know how this happened but I think it's a shame. I think it sure would be tough to watch your child suffer through situations though. It would be hard not to help.

Beyond expressing your concern, and going to the nephew yourself, I'm afraid my expertise doesn't extend much further. As far as accepting it, I don't think you need to right now. But the day that they say I do officially is when it probably is time to keep your opinions to yourself and love your family. This doesn't mean that you have to pretend every thing's okay, but it's past the time to try to change things that have already happened. It would be wise at that point to help and support your nephew into having a good marriage. Hopefully that makes sense. I'm not trying to tell you to have a blind eye or to accept abnormal behavior. But now is the time to express your opinions most strongly. But please do not burn bridges with your family. This marriage is probably going to take place no matter what, and I would hate for you to lose your relationship with your sister, etc. over it. No sense in making yourself miserable.

You seem like a practical and intelligent person. I recommend above all that you follow your instincts. You know your family. You'll know what is best to do. I don't know if you are religious or not, but I always highly recommend prayer. It is the best solution to any situation. Feel free to write again for more help.
And I'm sure that other readers could help me out with suggestions here as well. The best of luck to you!
-Amy

School Dilemma

Dear,Amy Im having promblems getting to public school what do you think I should do? help me im in a private school and I been in this school for and im not in catholic school Im thirteen in 8 grade. from Help me!!!!!

Dear Help Me,
Although I feel your pain, without knowing too much about the situation, there's probably not much I can offer you. But I can say this. The first thing I would do is talk to your parents. I know it probably seems like you can't. You might think they won't care, won't listen to you, or maybe you don't have the kind of homelife to be able to talk to anybody. But please do find the courage to talk to your parental figures. Find some adult to talk to. As scary as we/they appear to be, I'm sure they love you and want you to be happy.

Explain to them what you do not like about your school, and have a plan to propose to them about why it's important for you to change.

I recognize that you are a smart and brave girl and I'm so happy you chose to find me and ask this question. Feel free to email me with any more support or advice. Good luck to you!
-Amy

Not my Advice

What do you do when it seems like everything you do doesn't work? Trying to motivate the husband to be better and more excited about church. I know this has been asked before but perhaps you have some more insight and information this time. Trying to get him to have a better attitude, at least that is what I think he needs, perhaps he doesn't.

Thanks for the question. You're right that I have touched on this before, and honestly I don't have any further insight. Except that I want to touch on your first sentence:

What do you do when it seems like everything you do doesn't work?

Whether you are talking about motivating your husband, or disciplining your children, or any number of things, there are always times when we all feel like this.

The solution is simple and we've heard it before, but I think it's so simple that we often "look beyond the mark."

There is someone there who is supposed to "pick up all the slack" When we've done all we can do, then it is "by His grace that we are saved."

So my answer? Pray. I know that seems almost too simple, but it's the only thing I know to do that will work with 100% gaurantee. "Pray like everything depends on Him, and then get up and work like everything depends on you." Pres. Hinckley

In your case, the "work" part is probably to sit back, listen to the Spirit and trust in your faith.

Good luck!

-Amy

Family Ties

Hey Amy, me again. I have a question. What do you do when you have a family member of your new husband (say a sister) who basically does not like you, says she does not have the time to get to know you to see if she would like you, and is actually outwardly mean, rude, and cruel to you at family gatherings. Lets say I have tried to be nice, tried to get to know them a little, and tried so much I just want to quit now. So my husband stepped in. He talked to her, she says she is just stressed and could care less what I think. This talking to has been done twice, once on the phone and once in person, with no good outcome. While I get along great with the mother in law, the sister tends to say things to her that are not so nice about me (even though we never talk, so that is a bit befuzzeling), and she passes them on. So talking to her becomes a hard conversation as this sister is caring for the MIL most of the time. So, do you have any suggestions as to what I should do? Is giving up and not caring so much about it really the answer, or is that not the right thing to do? All opinions welcomed...Thanks!

Well, it's hard to answer this without knowing the parties involved, but I would say that you have done the right things so far. If this were not family, then I would say that sometimes you just have to protect yourself and to walk away. But since you can't just always avoid this person I would have to say that you should just keep being nice. Always. This doesn't mean that you have to be a doormat, but as long as you know you are living with integrity and your slate is clean, then the other family members will know it too. Your MIL may listen to the sister in the short term, but if you stick to your guns and remain nice and trustworthy, she will come to know the truth about you in the long run. Families are tough. It's hard to know how much to forgive and how much to stand up for yourself. Don't get me wrong-being nice doesn't mean that you have to be best friends with this person. I'm sure you and your husband will find the balance that meets your needs.

Good luck!
Amy

On Callings

Anonymous said...
I have two callings. One is pretty intense and I like it, the other one I, well I guess I will have to be blunt, hate. I have been having trouble feeling the spirit while serving because I just don’t like it at all. I keep feeling like they got the wrong person for the job. I want to serve happily but I just don’t like the calling. My husband just does not understand, he is the best at everything and I feel inadequate. I feel very guilty as I have never before felt like this and just don’t know what to do??

I have a few simple suggestions:
1. Talk to your Bishop about how you feel. That's what he's there for. It doesn't mean that you are asking to be released or trying to get out of anything, but if he knows how you feel, then he will be able to receive inspiration on your behalf as to best help.
2. I think it's okay that you hate a calling. We are not required to love every minute of service, we are only required to serve the best we can. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase, "Fake it until you make it." You may hate it and go through the motions for awhile, but if you act like you love it, someday it may appear that you really do.
3. Don't worry that your husband doesn't understand. I'm sure he cares and is willing to help. But please do not compare yourself to him or anyone else. We are all given our own set of experiences to help us learn and grow. His turn will come.
4. As far as feeling guilty-I completely understand. But please know that this is a feeling that the Lord does not want us to have. He loves you and wants you to turn to Him. The Atonement is there for these circumstances as well. Pray sincerely to have peace. I'm sure it will come.

Please feel free to email me with any follow up. Good luck to you!
-Amy

Question Request

There was a question posted in comment form about callings...but somehow it got deleted through the process of changing some things on this site. If that person could please post her question again I would appreciate it. If not, I will try to remember the gist and answer accordingly.

Thanks again to everyone for your support.

Love, Amy

Happily Ever After

Throughout this week, I have seen marriages begin, and marriages end. And so I want to pay tribute to the fact that I believe that marriage is wonderful, and I fully support it. I also wanted to express my love for my husband and let everyone know how happy I am in my own marriage. This is an article that expresses some of the ways that we can make our marriages great.


Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage by Neli A. Rogers, MS, LMFT
Monday, January 14, 2008
Most people believe marriage is important and that the family is the fundamental unit of society. People get married with great hopes to “live happily ever after,” but it is not easy to maintain the love and happiness they experienced during courtship in the day-to-day struggles of married life.
I have worked with couples for many years as a marriage and family therapist, and as such I have developed many practical ideas to help couples build a happy marriage.

Here are my top ten tips.
1.Discover what makes each other happy. Couples need to live what I call the Golden Rule for Married Couples: Do unto the other as he or she would like it done. Often in a loving relationship, people tend to use projection—the subjective act of attributing one’s own feelings to others; the tendency to “hear” others’ feelings in relationship to one’s own self-concept and experiences. When spouses use projection, they think that what they want is the same as what their spouse wants. We are all individuals and we are all different. Therefore, what makes one partner happy may not necessarily be what makes the other partner happy. If you take time to find out what each other really wants and “do unto to the other as he/she would like it done,” your relationship will flourish.

2.Share alike in doing the household chores. Research has shown that couples who work together stay together. Both husband and wife need to feel they are equally yoked. This will bring a sense of equality in the marriage and will help prevent feelings of resentment that could come if one spouse is doing more for the family and relationship than the other. Couples need to be very clear about what is expected of each other regarding household duties. The most important rule to follow here is that both partners agree to the division of duties. Be clear and straightforward when discussing roles.

3.Be respectful and caring even when you are resolving conflicts in the relationship. When people are upset, they tend to act on their emotions. To be successful in relationships, sometimes people need to behave differently from how they feel. Couples need to learn how to regulate their emotions so they don’t “take it out” on each other. You should not engage in trying to resolve issues when you are too emotionally upset and unable to be reasonable and caring towards each other. If needed, take a time out, cool off first, and rehearse the conversation in your mind before you discuss it with your spouse. Make a firm decision never to be disrespectful to your partner even in the heat of battle.

4· Learn good communication skills. To be successful in marriage, you need to be able to communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants in a straightforward manner. You also need to be a good listener. Allow your spouse to express his or her thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants freely and safely.

5. Learn how to stay in love. Spend time together building your relationship. When couples are courting, they spend a lot of time together, and when they are not together, they find ways to communicate often. After marriage, some couples drift apart. They no longer spend as much time together, are not as affectionate, and don’t devote special attention to each other as they did during courtship. This leads couples to lose their loving feelings toward each other. You need to spend quality couple’s time together frequently to continue to build the relationship. Go on dates regularly to have fun, not to discuss issues. Keep the love alive!

6.Maintain a healthy physical relationship. Physical intimacy is different for men and women. Both spouses should be mindful of each other’s needs and reach compromises that will fulfill these needs. After children arrive, it becomes more difficult for a couple to maintain the same level of physical intimacy, but you need to make time to keep your physical relationship a priority.

7.Do everything with common consent. People in happy marriages never do important things without an agreement between the spouses. Couples need to balance the feelings and interests of both partners when making decisions. You need to make sure you understand how important an issue is to each other and only decide on a course of action after you both have agreed and are happy with the decision. Don’t expect to have everything your own way; be willing to compromise.

8.Little changes in you can lead to huge changes in the relationship. Sometimes when people are in a conflicted relationship, they feel discouraged because they think the changes required to resolve their relationship issues are too great and they’ll never be able to accomplish such changes. However, often all you need to do is find one or two small but significant things to change, and this will alter the direction you are headed. Over time, these changes will lead you to a very different place. You may need the help of a professional to identify what these significant changes might be.

9.Be grateful for each other. Gratitude has been statistically linked to happiness and hope. In every relationship there are positives and negatives. Find the positives in your relationship. Be grateful for your partner and express your love and gratitude for each other daily.

10.Develop empathy. Empathy means to place oneself in another person’s shoes and understand how he or she feels. It is a process of partial identification with the feelings of others while still being aware that the others’ feelings are owned by them and are somewhat different from yours. It focuses upon the feelings of the other. When you have empathy toward your spouse, you will be more effective in applying the other tips for a successful marriage.

Neli A. Rogers is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in San Antonio, Texas. She has been married for 32 years to Dwayne Rogers, and they have four children and seven grandchildren.
LDS Living Magazine, Jan/Feb Issue

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