Words of Wisdom

While I respect people of all religions, and this blog is for people of all religions, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We believe in apostles and prophets that speak to us today. What I have to say is of very little value compared to these men of God. So here are their most recent words:

October '09 General Conference

It Worked for Them

There are lots of words of wisdom about marriage out there. But when someone has been married (happily, joyfully) for 50 years, it seems wise to listen to what they have to say. So here is one of their secrets. I, for one, will be paying attention...

Marriage Contract

Dee & DeAnna Packer

I commit total loyalty to Jesus Christ, His commandments, and you--realizing that marriage and the family are central to God’s Plan of Happiness. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

I understand that my fulfillment as a person does not ultimately depend upon any other person, including you. Though I commit myself to be one with you, I am in charge of my personal happiness. Proverbs 23:7

I accept you as a unique and separate person who is very different from me. I understand I need to deal with those differences in ways that are not critical or judgmental. You do not have to be a carbon copy of me.

· When we collide—because of our differences—I will negotiate with you, invite you to meet me half way rather than insisting you think, act, or believe my way. “Learn to listen, listen to learn”… "With all thy getting, get UNDERSTANDING." Proverbs 4: 7

· I will not relentlessly complain about you. If I am constantly unhappy, I will look inward for ways of changing me so I can feel better. Proverbs 21:19

When I do need changes, I will ask for them, using kind language (“Would you be willing…,” etc.). I will take responsibility for inviting rather than demanding changes from you.

· I will allow you to say no, and will also exercise that right when I do not feel good about giving what you’ve requested. However, instead of a flat “no,” I will make counter-proposals to try to find a solution that will meet your needs and mine. If I say yes to you, I will give what you want without resentment.

I recognize that when I get angry with you, it is because I am creating anger in myself. I realize, too, that I am responsible for expressing my anger in ways that are not destructive to you.

· No matter how angry or upset I get, I will never threaten to, or actually harm you or myself. If I tend to become harsh or abusive when I get angry, I will take immediate steps to learn how to avoid such behavior.

· I will not use anger, or sulking, or continuing to be hurt as methods of controlling you. Neither will I use criticism or pin pricks to pressure you to do what I want. I will not call the relationship into jeopardy if we quarrel by threatening to leave you or to end the relationship. “Church callings are temporary…family relationships are permanent.” Dallin H. Oaks Oct. 2005 (What is the difference between admonition and criticism? D&C 6:19)

I give highest priority to my loyalty to you. I will not reveal confidences you have shared with me without advance permission. I will not embarrass you by airing our differences or by drawing other people into our conflicts.

· I will not make you the brunt of jokes.

· I will not flirt or give ‘come-on’ signals to others that will humiliate you and undermine our relationship.

· I will put your needs before those of outsiders, and I will protect you from criticism by not complaining to these people.

When I am happy with you, I will tell the world. When I am unhappy with you, I will tell only you. If I genuinely need help, I will confide in someone who can give aid rather than someone who will just agree with me.

· I will consistently give you feedback concerning your positive qualities, actions and growth.

. I will keep my negative feedback to a minimum and my positive feedback to a maximum.

I will keep my body healthy and attractive. But, realizing that perfection is unrealistic, I give you, and myself, the right not to be a perfect “10.” I will also find challenges to keep myself mentally alert. D&C 89

I recognize I do not “own” or “possess” you. Because of this, I will refrain from using words like “allow” or “let” or “can’t” in reference to your activities. I ask that you extend the courtesy of coordinating your schedule with mine, but I do not expect you to ask permission to do the things you wish.

· I will not try to control or manipulate you with sex or money. I will share equal responsibility with you for planning our mutual finances and for making joint decisions about major expenditures.

· I place high value on our love and will be open to you sexually. If at times I may not feel available, I will tell you kindly and directly.

· I give you the right to “private” time—time to pursue individual interests, to enjoy solitude, or to do nothing. I will give you that time without complaint or penalty.

. I give high priority to creating “we” times that bond us together. I will often reach out to talk to you, to be affectionate, and to work and play side by side I will remember that truly, "two are better than one." Ecclesiastes 4:9

Indulge Me

As you can see-this blog has been neglected. My life coaching has been sporadic at best. But a few private "coaching" conversations created a spark. A spark that lit my passion. My drive to help people thrive in their relationships no longer lies dormant. I crave purpose filled days and changed lives. However-life circumstances prevent me from creating a fire. A part of me resents this. But then I remember. It is not the time of my life to scribe great novels or to turn my advice filled conversations into a paycheck. It is the time of my life, however, to raise up two (for now) little ones with the hope that they can become the sort of people that will change lives. If that's all I do-it will be enough.
Tonight, after rejuvenating myself with these words, the daily fire that is called "Motherhood" burns brighter.

"When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses?" (Elder Neal A. Maxwell, "The Women of God," 10-11)

I very much desire and hope to continue the service of life coaching. Not just this blog, but in all aspects of my relationships. But I hope that I can always remember to keep the flames of this career in check. That when my days are filled with unsatisfying mundane tasks, and I long for a sense of recognition and purpose, that I can remember and proudly say, "I am a Mother." And it is enough.

Unrequited Love

Dear Stephanie,
I have omitted most of your question due to length, but I'm going to answer these questions as they come, and then add some of my own thoughts.

QUESTIONS:
If you are a girl…
 Can you understand what I have done? Yes, I can understand it.Would you have done the same? Not really, but I have been in similar situations and have empathy towards a lot of your feelings.
 Do you think Matt still has feelings towards me? No idea.
 Is what I felt love or just a crush? Well, in my opinion, love is a crush and a crush is love. But from my experience real love can hardly be felt if it's unrequited. The best love is when there is a channel for it. Love is a verb. It is actively giving to another person. So you probably do love Matt, but it is not at it's full capacity because you can't do anything about it.
 What should I do now?
I honestly believe that you need to put an end to this. Either way. And it is within your power to do it. From my experience:

1. I am around 5 or 6 and I too have a crush on a much older boy who is a family friend. We too were paired up by family and our parents made it out to be something "cute." I was bold. We were at a party and I took him aside and for the first time in my life I whispered those 3 little words, "I love you". The look of shock on his face was something right out of the movies. I don't remember what he said. But I do remember his look and the way he walked away. And then for the first time I saw myself and realized how silly the whole thing was. My feelings suddenly were not as intense and I was able to move on very quickly. Now as an adult I am proud of myself for my bravery and have applied this experience to many aspects of my life.
2. I am in high school and I like a guy for over a year. He and I are great friends and talk all the time. He goes through several crushes before he finally decides he wants to be with me. We date for a few months and then he goes to college and it's not the same ever again.
3. I am in college and once again I am the subject of unrequited love. We are friends and see each other everyday. I make myself crazy over how to make him fall in love with me. But the whole time he has a girlfriend. I never told him how I felt. I just suffered for almost a year with the knowledge that I failed. Even though I am blissfully happy with my husband, I still regret not opening my mouth and saying how I felt. I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I just got rejected early and moved on.

Now I know that these experiences are not going to fix everything for you and may not make you feel better at all. But I share them because of what I have learned. I have learned that I should not let a boy or feelings get in the way I want to live my life. And that if I can't change the way someone feels, I shouldn't try.

Two more things:

1. You may have a hard time changing your feelings. They are so much of who you are. But it is possible.
2. What you must do above all else is change your actions. You are not in control of anyone or anything else but you. I honestly hope that you can share your feelings with Matt and that he shares them too, but if not-you need to live your life in a healthy, and a productive, and a happy way. Whatever you have to do to get there-do it. Get counseling, rely on good friends and family, love yourself, and get to where you can respect your life.

Good luck,

Amy

Caught in the Middle

Dear Amy,

I been having this problem with myself going to church and my family. See I'm the only person in my family who is LDS and I go to church and church activites. But the past couple weeks people in my ward want me to try to get my parents involved in the church. When they've told me the don't and every since I started going to church my parents are fighting all the time and are thinking of spliting up. So I'm thinking that going to church is tearing my family apart. Any Advice?

If your parents are going to split up, they are going to split up and it won't have anything to do with you or whether or not you go to church. You need to do what feels right in your heart. If you talk with your parents and let them know how concerned you are about this, I'm sure they will reassure you.
It would be great if your parents shared your beliefs, but if they don't-they can and should still be supportive to yours. Talk to them about the expectations that you have-do you need rides to church and do you need them to go with you?
The best thing I would have to say is make sure you have a conversation with them. It might not change anything, but I'm guessing it will make you feel better.

Good luck,
Amy

True?

Dear Amy,

I'm having this problem where I am questioning whether or not I'm going to get baptized in my LDS Church. I started going to church in my home town of Las Vegas and I loved it so much. Then I ended up moving to Washington and I was going to get baptized in September of 06 then before I was going to go into the water I decide not to go though with it. Now I'm having the problem if I should try it again. I don't know if it's because I got so used to my old church that I can't try a new church. Any Advice?

From Confused.

Dear Confused,
This is a tough one because I'm afraid I am biased. I am a faithful member of the LDS church and as such I think getting baptized is the right thing to do. However, I can't go to church for you, or get baptized for you. So I'm afraid this is something that you will have to make your own decision about.
But there is good news-you don't have to make the decision alone. Remember that "ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you."
If you really desire to know whether the church is true (not just if you have friends there or if it's entertaining), but if it's really true, and you ask God in sincere prayer, He will let you know if getting baptized is the right thing.
This experience probably won't be anything fancy, and it may take some time, but it will be real, and it will be right.
The other thing I would say to you is that you'll never be able to make a decision if you are half-hearted. Go to church every week. Go to any of the social activities or service projects they offer. Study the scriptures and read LDS literature that will develop your knowledge of the principles. Live as if you were baptized and I think it will become obvious to you what you should do.
Also, I would talk to your ward leaders and peers and find out what made them join. Ask any questions you may have.
I know that a lot of the time people go to church because of their friends or the time of day, or the minister, but in this church it is important to join because you have a testimony of its truthfulness. You don't need to know everything about it and you most certainly will have lots more questions, but you can pray and get to the point where you do not doubt it is true.
Good luck making your decision. I know you will do the right thing.

Thanks,
Amy

Work Dilemma

Amy,
My work review is six months overdue. My anniversary date happened when my employer was having heart surgery. He has recovered and recently he acknowledged that we should talk before his vacation. But it came and went and we still haven't talked. Since his surgery, his health hasn't returned 100%, he hasn't had the stamina to work as before and because of this revenue is down. I need to ask for a $3,000 raise due to expensive prescription drugs and I think my work reflects that I am worth that much more. I want to be sensitive to the company's problems and really don't plan to leave if I don't get the full $3000 but want to know what I should do. Loyal to a fault?

No, you are not loyal to a fault. It's great that you are sensitive enough to take your company and boss' health into consideration. However, it is not good that you have put their needs so far above your own. Just because someone is dealing with something in their own life, it doesn't mean that they aren't willing to help someone else.
So I will say to you what my grandfather said to me many times: "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." I think that you absolutely should approach your boss about the raise. Especially since you want to do it the right way-you are willing to be reviewed and expect a fair amount. If I were to guess I would say that your boss just simply has forgotten about this, or at least put it on the bottom of the priority list. I think he will respect you if you politely bring these issues to his attention.
If he doesn't seem willing to meet with you, however, don't give up. It is your company right to be reviewed and you should not be put off forever.

Thank you so much for your question and good luck to you. Be sure to let us know how it goes. Let me know if I can help in any other way. Thanks!

Amy