Family Ties

Hey Amy, me again. I have a question. What do you do when you have a family member of your new husband (say a sister) who basically does not like you, says she does not have the time to get to know you to see if she would like you, and is actually outwardly mean, rude, and cruel to you at family gatherings. Lets say I have tried to be nice, tried to get to know them a little, and tried so much I just want to quit now. So my husband stepped in. He talked to her, she says she is just stressed and could care less what I think. This talking to has been done twice, once on the phone and once in person, with no good outcome. While I get along great with the mother in law, the sister tends to say things to her that are not so nice about me (even though we never talk, so that is a bit befuzzeling), and she passes them on. So talking to her becomes a hard conversation as this sister is caring for the MIL most of the time. So, do you have any suggestions as to what I should do? Is giving up and not caring so much about it really the answer, or is that not the right thing to do? All opinions welcomed...Thanks!

Well, it's hard to answer this without knowing the parties involved, but I would say that you have done the right things so far. If this were not family, then I would say that sometimes you just have to protect yourself and to walk away. But since you can't just always avoid this person I would have to say that you should just keep being nice. Always. This doesn't mean that you have to be a doormat, but as long as you know you are living with integrity and your slate is clean, then the other family members will know it too. Your MIL may listen to the sister in the short term, but if you stick to your guns and remain nice and trustworthy, she will come to know the truth about you in the long run. Families are tough. It's hard to know how much to forgive and how much to stand up for yourself. Don't get me wrong-being nice doesn't mean that you have to be best friends with this person. I'm sure you and your husband will find the balance that meets your needs.

Good luck!
Amy

Christmas Presents

Allison Deming said...
Ok I am finally going to utilize your advice. What do you do when the Christmas traditions of a new family are SO different on each side. My side of the family, lots of gifts, everyone gets everyone something - sometimes more than one something, etc. His side of the family, draw names, one gift, $20 limit. Now, these are quite reflective of the difference in family financial situations. My side, no problems at all, his side much more diverse and a great need to be frugal in one or two families (if you need more detail here, I can call or something!). I have heard you should do the same for both sides, but I have two nieces who are always used to getting a gift from Aunt Ali, and my Brother, Sister in Law, Mom and Dad always get one too. They have no problem understanding if when changed, but the kids of course would, they are too young. But, I cannot change what my family does for us. My brother will get me more than one gift, and my parents will get more than one for both Justin and I...probably more than 3 actually. You want to be reciprocal right? So I should get them all something...that is how I feel, but are we being equal? Justin thinks leaving things the way they are is fine, but I worry it could cause problems down the road...never know. So what is kosher for family Christmas gift giving when you get married? All advice welcome...

Dear Allison,
You answered your own question when you said, "Justin thinks leaving things the way they are is fine." I agree with Justin. Our families have kept things the same way that we had them growing up. But there is some flexibility that is needed when you get married and are trying to meld traditions. We switch off holidays every year between our families. However, both of our parents will be with us this year. But it's the in-laws year-so we're going to be doing Christmas their way this year. But my in-laws do try to incorporate some of my most important traditions to their own. But I never try to push anything. I think being flexible and forgiving is the most important thing. Your families probably don't quite know what to do either. Communication is really important. And if you're worried about things down the road-I would say just keep an eye on the situation. If you can tell that tension has sprung up-then talk to the offended party and fix it. But "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Thanks for the question. Merry Christmas!

-Amy

Weird In-Laws

How can I cope with weird in-laws? They don't even seem to understand their own children and have such crazy expectations.

First of all, I would say go to this great article. It's obvious that there are several people who are in your same boat. Coping with in-laws is an age old question. But there are several things you can and should do.

Without knowing all of the specifics (I don't know what you mean by "crazy expectations") here are some general principles.

• Give them the benefit of the doubt-You love your spouse and they raised them, and so their parents can't be all that bad. I know you said that they don't even understand their own children, but depending on how long you have been married-you probably aren't an expert either. They don't know what it's like to have in-laws either and so it's probably best to think that they are doing the best they can.
• How does your spouse feel about the situation? Do they think that their parents are weird with crazy expectations as well? Or is it just you? If it is just you, then try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes and look for the positive in their family. If it is the two of you, come together as one and come up with your own expectations for your family, and stick by them no matter what. Perhaps you would want to post some family rules in your home so that your in-laws are aware of what is expected from them. For example, if you expect them to take their shoes off upon entering your home, make sure that is clear in a non-confrontational way. If it doesn't matter to you-make that clear also.
• Respect the rules and expectations of their home. Even if it doesn't make sense to you-they have a right to run their household in the way that is best for them. If they are vegetarians for instance, be nice and save your carnivore habits for your house.
• Without knowing how close you live to them, it's hard to give advice about visits. But make sure you and your spouse agree on what is acceptable visitation for both parties. If they expect you to come over every week with the kids for dinner-you may have to agree on that. But if they expect you to come over everyday-you can firmly tell them that although you love spending time with them, that you need to have some boundaries in order to establish your own family right now.
• I know it's hard when you HAVE to be with these people whom you normally would not have chosen to associate with, but the golden rule still applies here. Be as nice as you can. However, I'm sure there are cases which require some real distance from toxic influences. If the in-laws are emotionally or physically abusing your family, then you have a right to avoid them and get professional help. Otherwise, it might trust require some mutual toleration.
• Try to have a sense of humor. If it really is not that important-just let it go.
• All marriages and families require work-but let's not be afraid of work!

I'm sure that lots of people have sympathy for your situation. It is hard to enter a whole new family when we are so influenced and directed by the family we were raised in. We might think that when we get married it is just to one person, but it is true that "marry a guy, marry his family" But, this truth is still the most important and has to be placed as a very high priority:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24

I don't think that this means that we can completely ignore and berate our in-laws, but it does mean that when you get married, you create a new family and that you have to nurture and protect that new family as your most important treasure, and not let anyone destroy it.

I hope this helps some. Thanks for writing, and good luck!