Unrequited Love

Dear Stephanie,
I have omitted most of your question due to length, but I'm going to answer these questions as they come, and then add some of my own thoughts.

QUESTIONS:
If you are a girl…
 Can you understand what I have done? Yes, I can understand it.Would you have done the same? Not really, but I have been in similar situations and have empathy towards a lot of your feelings.
 Do you think Matt still has feelings towards me? No idea.
 Is what I felt love or just a crush? Well, in my opinion, love is a crush and a crush is love. But from my experience real love can hardly be felt if it's unrequited. The best love is when there is a channel for it. Love is a verb. It is actively giving to another person. So you probably do love Matt, but it is not at it's full capacity because you can't do anything about it.
 What should I do now?
I honestly believe that you need to put an end to this. Either way. And it is within your power to do it. From my experience:

1. I am around 5 or 6 and I too have a crush on a much older boy who is a family friend. We too were paired up by family and our parents made it out to be something "cute." I was bold. We were at a party and I took him aside and for the first time in my life I whispered those 3 little words, "I love you". The look of shock on his face was something right out of the movies. I don't remember what he said. But I do remember his look and the way he walked away. And then for the first time I saw myself and realized how silly the whole thing was. My feelings suddenly were not as intense and I was able to move on very quickly. Now as an adult I am proud of myself for my bravery and have applied this experience to many aspects of my life.
2. I am in high school and I like a guy for over a year. He and I are great friends and talk all the time. He goes through several crushes before he finally decides he wants to be with me. We date for a few months and then he goes to college and it's not the same ever again.
3. I am in college and once again I am the subject of unrequited love. We are friends and see each other everyday. I make myself crazy over how to make him fall in love with me. But the whole time he has a girlfriend. I never told him how I felt. I just suffered for almost a year with the knowledge that I failed. Even though I am blissfully happy with my husband, I still regret not opening my mouth and saying how I felt. I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I just got rejected early and moved on.

Now I know that these experiences are not going to fix everything for you and may not make you feel better at all. But I share them because of what I have learned. I have learned that I should not let a boy or feelings get in the way I want to live my life. And that if I can't change the way someone feels, I shouldn't try.

Two more things:

1. You may have a hard time changing your feelings. They are so much of who you are. But it is possible.
2. What you must do above all else is change your actions. You are not in control of anyone or anything else but you. I honestly hope that you can share your feelings with Matt and that he shares them too, but if not-you need to live your life in a healthy, and a productive, and a happy way. Whatever you have to do to get there-do it. Get counseling, rely on good friends and family, love yourself, and get to where you can respect your life.

Good luck,

Amy

Relationship Status

• When is a good time to make a relationship official? After how many dates that is? How exactly do you make a relationship official too?

Well, you might not like my answer, but here it is: "an answer given by another person usually is not remembered for very long"

What I mean by that is-what you know about your relationship is far more valuable than what I could possibly guess. Your answer is going to be the remembered answer-the one that will lead you to action.

But I'll put in my two cents anyway:

1. It is usually always better to move forward than to stand still

2. You must be confident in yourself--what's the worse that can happen?

3. Trust your instincts-when the time is right; you'll know.

4. In any potential relationship, it's important for both parties to be open and clear about how they feel. Do not let fear get in the way!

Some people date for a long time and never seem to have a good relationship. Others only have to meet once before they feel like it could last forever. Only you know under which category you fall. But I will leave you with one more quote:

"The combination of assurance and hope initiates action in the present."

It sounds like you have hope....now just gain some assurance in yourself and act accordingly!

Good luck!

-Amy