Unrequited Love

Dear Stephanie,
I have omitted most of your question due to length, but I'm going to answer these questions as they come, and then add some of my own thoughts.

QUESTIONS:
If you are a girl…
 Can you understand what I have done? Yes, I can understand it.Would you have done the same? Not really, but I have been in similar situations and have empathy towards a lot of your feelings.
 Do you think Matt still has feelings towards me? No idea.
 Is what I felt love or just a crush? Well, in my opinion, love is a crush and a crush is love. But from my experience real love can hardly be felt if it's unrequited. The best love is when there is a channel for it. Love is a verb. It is actively giving to another person. So you probably do love Matt, but it is not at it's full capacity because you can't do anything about it.
 What should I do now?
I honestly believe that you need to put an end to this. Either way. And it is within your power to do it. From my experience:

1. I am around 5 or 6 and I too have a crush on a much older boy who is a family friend. We too were paired up by family and our parents made it out to be something "cute." I was bold. We were at a party and I took him aside and for the first time in my life I whispered those 3 little words, "I love you". The look of shock on his face was something right out of the movies. I don't remember what he said. But I do remember his look and the way he walked away. And then for the first time I saw myself and realized how silly the whole thing was. My feelings suddenly were not as intense and I was able to move on very quickly. Now as an adult I am proud of myself for my bravery and have applied this experience to many aspects of my life.
2. I am in high school and I like a guy for over a year. He and I are great friends and talk all the time. He goes through several crushes before he finally decides he wants to be with me. We date for a few months and then he goes to college and it's not the same ever again.
3. I am in college and once again I am the subject of unrequited love. We are friends and see each other everyday. I make myself crazy over how to make him fall in love with me. But the whole time he has a girlfriend. I never told him how I felt. I just suffered for almost a year with the knowledge that I failed. Even though I am blissfully happy with my husband, I still regret not opening my mouth and saying how I felt. I could have saved myself a lot of grief if I just got rejected early and moved on.

Now I know that these experiences are not going to fix everything for you and may not make you feel better at all. But I share them because of what I have learned. I have learned that I should not let a boy or feelings get in the way I want to live my life. And that if I can't change the way someone feels, I shouldn't try.

Two more things:

1. You may have a hard time changing your feelings. They are so much of who you are. But it is possible.
2. What you must do above all else is change your actions. You are not in control of anyone or anything else but you. I honestly hope that you can share your feelings with Matt and that he shares them too, but if not-you need to live your life in a healthy, and a productive, and a happy way. Whatever you have to do to get there-do it. Get counseling, rely on good friends and family, love yourself, and get to where you can respect your life.

Good luck,

Amy

Caught in the Middle

Dear Amy,

I been having this problem with myself going to church and my family. See I'm the only person in my family who is LDS and I go to church and church activites. But the past couple weeks people in my ward want me to try to get my parents involved in the church. When they've told me the don't and every since I started going to church my parents are fighting all the time and are thinking of spliting up. So I'm thinking that going to church is tearing my family apart. Any Advice?

If your parents are going to split up, they are going to split up and it won't have anything to do with you or whether or not you go to church. You need to do what feels right in your heart. If you talk with your parents and let them know how concerned you are about this, I'm sure they will reassure you.
It would be great if your parents shared your beliefs, but if they don't-they can and should still be supportive to yours. Talk to them about the expectations that you have-do you need rides to church and do you need them to go with you?
The best thing I would have to say is make sure you have a conversation with them. It might not change anything, but I'm guessing it will make you feel better.

Good luck,
Amy

True?

Dear Amy,

I'm having this problem where I am questioning whether or not I'm going to get baptized in my LDS Church. I started going to church in my home town of Las Vegas and I loved it so much. Then I ended up moving to Washington and I was going to get baptized in September of 06 then before I was going to go into the water I decide not to go though with it. Now I'm having the problem if I should try it again. I don't know if it's because I got so used to my old church that I can't try a new church. Any Advice?

From Confused.

Dear Confused,
This is a tough one because I'm afraid I am biased. I am a faithful member of the LDS church and as such I think getting baptized is the right thing to do. However, I can't go to church for you, or get baptized for you. So I'm afraid this is something that you will have to make your own decision about.
But there is good news-you don't have to make the decision alone. Remember that "ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you."
If you really desire to know whether the church is true (not just if you have friends there or if it's entertaining), but if it's really true, and you ask God in sincere prayer, He will let you know if getting baptized is the right thing.
This experience probably won't be anything fancy, and it may take some time, but it will be real, and it will be right.
The other thing I would say to you is that you'll never be able to make a decision if you are half-hearted. Go to church every week. Go to any of the social activities or service projects they offer. Study the scriptures and read LDS literature that will develop your knowledge of the principles. Live as if you were baptized and I think it will become obvious to you what you should do.
Also, I would talk to your ward leaders and peers and find out what made them join. Ask any questions you may have.
I know that a lot of the time people go to church because of their friends or the time of day, or the minister, but in this church it is important to join because you have a testimony of its truthfulness. You don't need to know everything about it and you most certainly will have lots more questions, but you can pray and get to the point where you do not doubt it is true.
Good luck making your decision. I know you will do the right thing.

Thanks,
Amy

Work Dilemma

Amy,
My work review is six months overdue. My anniversary date happened when my employer was having heart surgery. He has recovered and recently he acknowledged that we should talk before his vacation. But it came and went and we still haven't talked. Since his surgery, his health hasn't returned 100%, he hasn't had the stamina to work as before and because of this revenue is down. I need to ask for a $3,000 raise due to expensive prescription drugs and I think my work reflects that I am worth that much more. I want to be sensitive to the company's problems and really don't plan to leave if I don't get the full $3000 but want to know what I should do. Loyal to a fault?

No, you are not loyal to a fault. It's great that you are sensitive enough to take your company and boss' health into consideration. However, it is not good that you have put their needs so far above your own. Just because someone is dealing with something in their own life, it doesn't mean that they aren't willing to help someone else.
So I will say to you what my grandfather said to me many times: "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." I think that you absolutely should approach your boss about the raise. Especially since you want to do it the right way-you are willing to be reviewed and expect a fair amount. If I were to guess I would say that your boss just simply has forgotten about this, or at least put it on the bottom of the priority list. I think he will respect you if you politely bring these issues to his attention.
If he doesn't seem willing to meet with you, however, don't give up. It is your company right to be reviewed and you should not be put off forever.

Thank you so much for your question and good luck to you. Be sure to let us know how it goes. Let me know if I can help in any other way. Thanks!

Amy

Heart Sick Marriage

Amy,
My 24 year old nephew is engaged. There are just so many issues with this engagement, I feel like I am watching the train run off the bridge and don't know how to stop it. They currently live with his parents and most importantly neither has lived on their own. (They have never paid rent, gas and electric- nothing!) The fiance suffers from manic depression and has been hospitalized twice during the last year. I see my sister constantly buffering between the two when times get stressed between the couple. If my nephew is playing a game or talking to a friend and not paying attention to the fiance, she will say, "I'm mad at you" and storm away. He immediately rushes to her side. He does not even walk into the other room unless she is right next to him.
I finally went to speak to my sister. I stated my feelings in the most gentle way, I told her that at the least they should not get married until they have lived on their own -and have her son deal with the mental health issues on his own. I told her what I had observed and my fear that they are both unaware of what they will be dealing because my sister is always there to intervene when the fiance gets sick or just starts pouting over not getting attention. Yet, they are still rushing to get married in September. My husband and I are just sick over this, what can we do? My husband has a talked to my brother in law, also. Do I just accept this or what? I am just so heart sick over this.

Dear Heart Sick,

I don't blame you. I agree that this marriage is heading toward dangerous waters. There are definitely several warning signs and red flags.

Unfortunately, I don't know what you can do about it. I'm glad that you have lovingly addressed your concerns to your sister. What was her reaction? If she handled it well, could you push a little further? I don't think it's wise to "break up" the couple or end the marriage, but I agree that postponing it, or at least getting them to live on their own would be a great step. Lots of young, naive kids get married without knowing what rent is, and they can usually work it out. But the manic depression is a worry. Those things usually escalate in marriage and would require professional help.

As an aunt, or parent it's hard to know how much to help children. I'm all for parents "helping" their adult children-but not to the point that they become a crutch! There is a scary trend these days of "our generation" (yes, I'm young and naive too) not knowing how to work, keep a job, live on their own, or to work through things without giving up. We feel a sense of entitlement to everything without working for it. I don't know how this happened but I think it's a shame. I think it sure would be tough to watch your child suffer through situations though. It would be hard not to help.

Beyond expressing your concern, and going to the nephew yourself, I'm afraid my expertise doesn't extend much further. As far as accepting it, I don't think you need to right now. But the day that they say I do officially is when it probably is time to keep your opinions to yourself and love your family. This doesn't mean that you have to pretend every thing's okay, but it's past the time to try to change things that have already happened. It would be wise at that point to help and support your nephew into having a good marriage. Hopefully that makes sense. I'm not trying to tell you to have a blind eye or to accept abnormal behavior. But now is the time to express your opinions most strongly. But please do not burn bridges with your family. This marriage is probably going to take place no matter what, and I would hate for you to lose your relationship with your sister, etc. over it. No sense in making yourself miserable.

You seem like a practical and intelligent person. I recommend above all that you follow your instincts. You know your family. You'll know what is best to do. I don't know if you are religious or not, but I always highly recommend prayer. It is the best solution to any situation. Feel free to write again for more help.
And I'm sure that other readers could help me out with suggestions here as well. The best of luck to you!
-Amy

School Dilemma

Dear,Amy Im having promblems getting to public school what do you think I should do? help me im in a private school and I been in this school for and im not in catholic school Im thirteen in 8 grade. from Help me!!!!!

Dear Help Me,
Although I feel your pain, without knowing too much about the situation, there's probably not much I can offer you. But I can say this. The first thing I would do is talk to your parents. I know it probably seems like you can't. You might think they won't care, won't listen to you, or maybe you don't have the kind of homelife to be able to talk to anybody. But please do find the courage to talk to your parental figures. Find some adult to talk to. As scary as we/they appear to be, I'm sure they love you and want you to be happy.

Explain to them what you do not like about your school, and have a plan to propose to them about why it's important for you to change.

I recognize that you are a smart and brave girl and I'm so happy you chose to find me and ask this question. Feel free to email me with any more support or advice. Good luck to you!
-Amy

Not my Advice

What do you do when it seems like everything you do doesn't work? Trying to motivate the husband to be better and more excited about church. I know this has been asked before but perhaps you have some more insight and information this time. Trying to get him to have a better attitude, at least that is what I think he needs, perhaps he doesn't.

Thanks for the question. You're right that I have touched on this before, and honestly I don't have any further insight. Except that I want to touch on your first sentence:

What do you do when it seems like everything you do doesn't work?

Whether you are talking about motivating your husband, or disciplining your children, or any number of things, there are always times when we all feel like this.

The solution is simple and we've heard it before, but I think it's so simple that we often "look beyond the mark."

There is someone there who is supposed to "pick up all the slack" When we've done all we can do, then it is "by His grace that we are saved."

So my answer? Pray. I know that seems almost too simple, but it's the only thing I know to do that will work with 100% gaurantee. "Pray like everything depends on Him, and then get up and work like everything depends on you." Pres. Hinckley

In your case, the "work" part is probably to sit back, listen to the Spirit and trust in your faith.

Good luck!

-Amy

Family Ties

Hey Amy, me again. I have a question. What do you do when you have a family member of your new husband (say a sister) who basically does not like you, says she does not have the time to get to know you to see if she would like you, and is actually outwardly mean, rude, and cruel to you at family gatherings. Lets say I have tried to be nice, tried to get to know them a little, and tried so much I just want to quit now. So my husband stepped in. He talked to her, she says she is just stressed and could care less what I think. This talking to has been done twice, once on the phone and once in person, with no good outcome. While I get along great with the mother in law, the sister tends to say things to her that are not so nice about me (even though we never talk, so that is a bit befuzzeling), and she passes them on. So talking to her becomes a hard conversation as this sister is caring for the MIL most of the time. So, do you have any suggestions as to what I should do? Is giving up and not caring so much about it really the answer, or is that not the right thing to do? All opinions welcomed...Thanks!

Well, it's hard to answer this without knowing the parties involved, but I would say that you have done the right things so far. If this were not family, then I would say that sometimes you just have to protect yourself and to walk away. But since you can't just always avoid this person I would have to say that you should just keep being nice. Always. This doesn't mean that you have to be a doormat, but as long as you know you are living with integrity and your slate is clean, then the other family members will know it too. Your MIL may listen to the sister in the short term, but if you stick to your guns and remain nice and trustworthy, she will come to know the truth about you in the long run. Families are tough. It's hard to know how much to forgive and how much to stand up for yourself. Don't get me wrong-being nice doesn't mean that you have to be best friends with this person. I'm sure you and your husband will find the balance that meets your needs.

Good luck!
Amy

On Callings

Anonymous said...
I have two callings. One is pretty intense and I like it, the other one I, well I guess I will have to be blunt, hate. I have been having trouble feeling the spirit while serving because I just don’t like it at all. I keep feeling like they got the wrong person for the job. I want to serve happily but I just don’t like the calling. My husband just does not understand, he is the best at everything and I feel inadequate. I feel very guilty as I have never before felt like this and just don’t know what to do??

I have a few simple suggestions:
1. Talk to your Bishop about how you feel. That's what he's there for. It doesn't mean that you are asking to be released or trying to get out of anything, but if he knows how you feel, then he will be able to receive inspiration on your behalf as to best help.
2. I think it's okay that you hate a calling. We are not required to love every minute of service, we are only required to serve the best we can. I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase, "Fake it until you make it." You may hate it and go through the motions for awhile, but if you act like you love it, someday it may appear that you really do.
3. Don't worry that your husband doesn't understand. I'm sure he cares and is willing to help. But please do not compare yourself to him or anyone else. We are all given our own set of experiences to help us learn and grow. His turn will come.
4. As far as feeling guilty-I completely understand. But please know that this is a feeling that the Lord does not want us to have. He loves you and wants you to turn to Him. The Atonement is there for these circumstances as well. Pray sincerely to have peace. I'm sure it will come.

Please feel free to email me with any follow up. Good luck to you!
-Amy

Question Request

There was a question posted in comment form about callings...but somehow it got deleted through the process of changing some things on this site. If that person could please post her question again I would appreciate it. If not, I will try to remember the gist and answer accordingly.

Thanks again to everyone for your support.

Love, Amy

Christmas Presents

Allison Deming said...
Ok I am finally going to utilize your advice. What do you do when the Christmas traditions of a new family are SO different on each side. My side of the family, lots of gifts, everyone gets everyone something - sometimes more than one something, etc. His side of the family, draw names, one gift, $20 limit. Now, these are quite reflective of the difference in family financial situations. My side, no problems at all, his side much more diverse and a great need to be frugal in one or two families (if you need more detail here, I can call or something!). I have heard you should do the same for both sides, but I have two nieces who are always used to getting a gift from Aunt Ali, and my Brother, Sister in Law, Mom and Dad always get one too. They have no problem understanding if when changed, but the kids of course would, they are too young. But, I cannot change what my family does for us. My brother will get me more than one gift, and my parents will get more than one for both Justin and I...probably more than 3 actually. You want to be reciprocal right? So I should get them all something...that is how I feel, but are we being equal? Justin thinks leaving things the way they are is fine, but I worry it could cause problems down the road...never know. So what is kosher for family Christmas gift giving when you get married? All advice welcome...

Dear Allison,
You answered your own question when you said, "Justin thinks leaving things the way they are is fine." I agree with Justin. Our families have kept things the same way that we had them growing up. But there is some flexibility that is needed when you get married and are trying to meld traditions. We switch off holidays every year between our families. However, both of our parents will be with us this year. But it's the in-laws year-so we're going to be doing Christmas their way this year. But my in-laws do try to incorporate some of my most important traditions to their own. But I never try to push anything. I think being flexible and forgiving is the most important thing. Your families probably don't quite know what to do either. Communication is really important. And if you're worried about things down the road-I would say just keep an eye on the situation. If you can tell that tension has sprung up-then talk to the offended party and fix it. But "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Thanks for the question. Merry Christmas!

-Amy

Motivation 2

This is along the lines of how to "motivate" your husband. How do you motivate/encourage/excite your husband to want to do things like scripture study, prayer, attending church without a pessimistic attitude because he has to walk to the halls with a child, fulfilling his calling to the best of his ability and not gripping about it. I try to be an example to him by doing all these things hoping that it will change him but haven't had much luck. Have even said that it doesn't seem like he wants to go to church etc... (granted that probably wasn't the best way to approach it but I just feel like he is disinterested in the church.) So all in all we want him to be the strong church leader that he can be. Can you help, anything would be great. Thanks Amy! (Hope this made sense)


Situation A)

• It's time to get up for church and you go to wake your husband up. He doesn't move and grumbles at you. This happens 3-5 times and with each passing minute you are getting angrier. Finally, you are at church-in the back, 10 minutes late-and you are fuming. You don't get to enjoy church. And you have bad feelings towards your husband. Meanwhile, he is thinking, "Why is my wife so quiet today? Hmmm..."

Situation B)

• The same events happen. Husband won't wake up, and you are late. BUT you don't get mad. You are nice to him and don't think it's a big deal. You wish you could have been on time and that not only would he have helped get the kids ready, but that you would have had a stellar prayer and scripture study before church as well. And that while at church he would have pulled out a notebook and started taking notes on the talks and wrote them a thank you note afterwards. But he doesn't do any of these things, and you are still nice to him. In fact, he even leans over to you and says, "Sorry we were late. It was my fault." You appreciate his apology, loop your arm through his and enjoy the rest of the meeting.

Now you may think this sounds silly, but trust me-it is real. It has happened.

You may not like it-but the same exact stuff I wrote for "Motivation" is exactly what you do in this situation as well-nothing. It's not your job. If your husband doesn't like church, and doesn't have a testimony, then I'm sorry. But you can't change it. You can't change him. You can only love him. You can only change yourself. You may have to let him have a bad attitude for awhile-a few weeks, months, or even years. But if you always treat him with love and respect-he will not disappoint you forever. This is true especially if you make it a matter of prayer. And not the kind of prayer that says, "My husband is doing things all wrong. I want him to do better and be better like me" Now you may not say those words, but the attitude can be there. Rather, pray like this, "My husband is struggling. He's not doing the things that I need him to do for my family church-wise. It's really hurtful to me and I don't know what to do about it. He is your child. You created him. You know how he feels in his heart. Please help me to love him the way that you do. Please help me to see and understand his heart."

If you pray like that, and then follow through with it-you will see big changes. I promise. But things take time....if you have babies to walk the hall with, then you are probably young. No one ate an elephant all in one day.

Hope this helps some. I honestly believe things will be okay for you. Despite everything, your husband really does sound like a great guy.

Good luck!

Amy

Multiple Questions, Many Answers

Well, you have many good questions, and I have many probably not so good answers. But I will help the best way I know how. I have thought on this and discussed this with my own husband at length. When he read the question he thought it was about him-so I guess I know a little bit of what you are going through-although I would never presume I know how you feel.



1) How do you handle a situation with your husband where he thinks he wants to change what he is doing in his life career wise - but has amazingly unrealistic expectations of what he needs to do to make that happen. He believed he can just start making tons of money with all the right gadgets and equipment, and no training (this is a field you usually go to school for). Additionally, if he goes into this and drops his current job we will lose all fringe benefits, which means I will have to work full time to have any health insurance, etc for the two of us. We both want to have children relatively soon which would mean me not working, and having benefits available for us and the children. Myself, and the rest of the family feel very uncomfortable with this idea. I have prayed about it and it just seems so wrong. But my husband is the type who likes to change jobs every few years - gets bored easily. This is something I am not used to myself. Each time we talk about the pros and cons of him changing careers he says I am trying to "ruin his dreams" and perhaps I just want him miserable. Other times he is more open and understanding to the problems this can cause. I have suggested going to school, but as he has no college he does not want to start and go 4-6 years to do what he wants to do. He has read a couple of books on the topic where people in the business say "oh you need NO training, just have these things, practice a lot and you will be just as good as anyone with a degree." I am afraid I am being too pessimistic, but with the idea of bringing children into he relationship on the horizon I feel that I need to be a bit more cautious than if it were just the two of us. I also worry that if I am right, he could be very hurt when things do not work out. When he feels like he has failed at something it is very rough on him. I have urged him to look into it more, thinking he might see it the way others do - but he only responds by saying he knows all there is to know and has really studied it. So, my question is what to do exactly. And if you are wondering this was not something that came up before our marriage, and the kid thing really needs to happen in the next 2-3 year at the latest. Hopefully that gives you something to work with... :)



This is all probably going to be very random, but here are my thoughts:

• You have a very traditional and conventional way of thinking. You were probably raised this way, and you might not even realize it. But it sounds like your husband does not. His way of thinking is "outside the box." And honestly, that's okay. Both ways of doing things are fine. It's true that you "usually" would get training for these fields like you said, but you didn't say have to. If he can figure out a way to be successful without the training-then I say let him do it.


• I know the insurance thing is a concern. Trust me-we're in the insurance business. But again you are thinking traditionally. Having a full time job is not the only way to get good insurance for your family. You can purchase it separately. That may not be the "ideal" way to do it, but it's better than not staying home with your kids. And-I don't know your situation, but if you're really not going to have kids right away, you could get a job with benefits right now anyway. And later you might be able to find something that allows you to do both.


• Okay, having kids-while I do believe that you need to provide for your children, I do not believe that you should put off having them just because life is up in the air, or you don't think you can buy them everything under the sun. People have been having children forever, and I believe they always come when they are supposed to. You will never be fully prepared for them. I definitely don't think you should have one tomorrow, but within 2-3 years like you said I think is very doable. I know that my husband was very wary about having kids before we were financially stable, but he recognizes now that we could have done it. It would have been okay.


• I'm not saying it's always going to work out and be okay. It's very possible that your husband will fail, and you won't have a stable financial situation. But I also believe very strongly that you probably need to let him do this. Of course it will be rough on him if he fails. But it will be good for him in the long run. He will step it up and try again. Eventually it will work out. If it doesn't-I'm sure he would be willing to do something else. But you are crushing his dreams. If he's anything like my husband-he would be very sensitive to that.


• Men just want us to trust them. They are supposed to be the providers of the family and with few exceptions they take that role very seriously. When I asked my husband about this he explained that men worry a ton about taking care of their family, but the worst feeling in the world is being kept up at night with the knowledge that your wife doesn't trust you to do that job. It's kind of like your role as a wife and mother. If you wanted to try some new cleaner, or formula, or parenting technique, how would you feel if your husband said to you, "You have unrealistic expectations. I don't think that's a good idea. That won't work. I have to raise the kids/clean the house myself, etc." Maybe that's not a very good example, but basically I think what your husband is hearing from you is: "you're not good enough." No one wants to feel that way.


• He is probably sounding a lot more confident than he is. He is probably more worried than you. But he can't admit that-even to himself. Because if he does-then he probably will fail. In order for these types of things to work out-you need to believe in them. He probably seems prideful, angry, and unteachable when this comes up because he's scared. Try to give him a break-really.


• It's okay to be worried and scared. It's okay to not like this. It's okay to want him to go to school and do things in the conventional way. But it is not okay to expect him to feel the same way. It is not okay to make him feel like he is letting you and the entire family down just because he wants to do something different/new. Again, it's possible it might not work out. But, what is the worst that can happen? You might be thinking, "well, we could be broke, and starving, homeless, with a starving baby!" If things really would end up that way because of this, then I think you should nicely explain to your husband how you feel about that. But- you married him for a reason. I'm sure you're smart. I'm sure you would not purposely marry someone that would lead you to poverty. You say that this didn't come up before you got married. So what. There's tons of stuff that young, in love couples don't talk about. Real life swoops in pretty fast. But the important things are still there-your love, trust, and faith. Never forget to keep things in perspective.

There are lots of other things that I could probably say. If you would like to discuss this further, feel free to email me and I will make sure I keep you anonymous. I know this doesn't fix everything, but I would like to emphasize TRUST. Hopefully this gave you something to work with :)

My husband has a bad "habit" that I am having more and more trouble dealing with. When he feels that he has done something that will disappoint me, at times he will lie and tell me a different story because he "does not want to upset me" "does not want to seem dumb" etc. This happened once over something really that was not big in the grand scheme of things. Him telling the truth would not have been a problem. He was caught and I told him it was ok, but not to do it again because lying will hurt me more than any truth you have to tell. He agreed. Well two weeks ago, I caught him again - same situation as the first. His excuse was that he did not want to look dumb or upset me, so he thought it would just be easier to tell me something different. Unfortunately he did not get his timetable down very well, and his story made no sense (to me). I guess you could say he is not a very good liar. So I told him that not telling me the truth really did hurt my feelings, and I was not ok with it. He has apologized a ton, and I have forgiven him - but made it clear in no uncertain terms that this type of thing is not ok under any circumstances for me or him. My worry is that this is a coping pattern he uses to hide when he has done something that makes him feel inadequate, and he has probably been doing it most of his life. I really have no real evidence of that, but it is a hunch I have. Sadly, I feel myself analyzing everything he tells me just in case there is some inconsistency - like I have lost a part of the trust we had. This is definitely NOT what I wanted to happen, and what I was trying to avoid by stressing to him that telling the truth is SO important to me (and something that should happen in ALL relationships, not matter what it is). I am not sure exactly what I am asking, other than "where do I go from here?" Or any other advice you may have. (and this is my last question! - for now)



Let me start off with a humorous anecdote:

Wife: "What do you ever do around here to help me?"

Husband: "I killed the mouse for you last week."

Wife: "So?"

Husband: "Well, I got another one that I didn't even tell you about!"

Simply stated-yes, your husband is lying to protect you, and himself. You so that you don't have to get upset about things (like the mouse). It could be stuff like money, mold in the bathroom, broken china, or losing his job. Eventually, it's important that he tells you-but most men wouldn't want to do that until after things have worked out (a plumber has been called, a check has been deposited, the plate has been glued, a resume has been sent out, etc.)



"My worry is that this is a coping pattern he uses to hide when he has done something that makes him feel inadequate, and he has probably been doing it most of his life."



You are right on. But my response is-so what? Doesn't everyone have a coping mechanism? Don't you? I know a guy who falls asleep every time his wife tries to talk to him about something serious. Someone else has guilt for every little thing he does wrong, and mopes for days. Your husband lies. If he's been doing it for most of his life-you can't take it personally! He is not personally trying to lie to you. He probably hates himself for it. He doesn't need you to hate him for it too.

My suggestion is to make him feel as adequate as you can. Boost him up, and TRUST him. There's that word again-it works. You may not feel like he trusts you-but what goes around comes around. Follow the golden rule-it's famous for a reason.

You said you forgave him-but it's obviously still bothering you. Pray to get over it. You have to forgive and forget. And don't put such strict expectations on him like "it's not acceptable to do it again." If it's his coping mechanism, he probably will do it again. Most of us struggle with these things our entire lives. That's why we're mortal. Obviously, lying is wrong. I do not deny that. But the reasons behind the lying may not be. Does that make sense? Only you know how to adjust it to your situation.



Lastly, it may seem like I am overly defending your husband, and treating him like he's not doing anything wrong. (in both situations). This is not so. While I do not condone "men bashing" of any sort, nor do I think they are perfect, or can do no wrong. Of course they can. But-that doesn't mean that you have to. You have the choice to be 100% perfect wife everyday. And I think that you will find that by focusing on improving yourself, and loving your husband-he will become better himself.



I have no doubt that you have a great marriage and that these two situations will work out. Keep up the good work. And as always, do not hesitate to see a professional if needed.

Thanks for writing. These were tough questions. I probably did not do them justice.

Keep em coming!

Good luck,

Amy

Motivation

How do you "motivate" a husband to do the things that you know he should be doing?

First of all, thank you for the question. I have thought it over for a few days because it is a tough one. I want to answer it in a way that validates you and gets you what you need, but also recognizes the truth. The simple answer to your question is-you don't. It is not your job to change or improve your husband. It is your job to love him always. But I understand it is a lot more complicated than that.

The first thing I noticed was that you said, "that you know he should be doing." It sounds like maybe you have an "agenda" of things that you think he should be doing-but does he know? Are they on his pallet of things that are important and matter to him? Because if they're not important to him, chances are he won't jump up to do them. Make sure that you are on the same page when it comes to expectations. If you think he should take out the garbage, for instance, he might have no idea. Even asking him over and over may not produce results. You may have to say something like, "In my family, it was a given that the husband always take out the garbage. This is important to me. Is that something you think you can do in our house?" And then respectfully listen to his answer. If it's not something he can handle, you may have to jump in and take some responsibility.

Also, I'm a huge believer in asking the question, "If he did/said/acted that way toward me, how would I feel?" This applies to just about every aspect of marriage. I'm assuming that you are a smart, well organized, hard working person. But haven't you ever had days or weeks that you aren't all those things? Sometimes don't you wish you could pull up in front of the tv with chocolate instead of tackle that pile of laundry. How would you feel if your husband came over and peeled the remote out of your hand and threw the laundry on the couch with a rude grunt? I'm guessing it wouldn't feel very good. So make sure that you don't do similar things to your husband. When you are at a dinner party don't complain to your friends and say, "Urg. My husband is so lazy. He never does anything around the house. Our garbage is always overflowing." I'm assuming you wouldn't feel too good if your husband said similar things about you.

Granted, these are just examples and I understand that there are more important things than garbage and laundry. Things like earning a living, or leading the family in church worship, or providing protection. I can understand that if your husband is lacking in these areas it can be very frustrating. But I still don't recommend trying to push them into change. Women so often want things done on their time table and in their way. But we forget that our husbands were capable and independent beings when we met and married them. You fell in love with him for a reason. Try to remember him that way. You probably wouldn't have complained about him doing these things when you were courting, so think back on those times and react with love and patience like you would have then. Perhaps this story can help you.

The bottom line is that the greatest motivator is always love. Each person needs love in their own way. Find out how your husband feels loved the most from you and then show it. Love him, serve him, speak to him kindly, and I bet you will be surprised at the man he becomes. I honestly believe that men want to serve and please us and be great men. But oft times their spirits are broken by a judgmental wife with too high expectations. I honestly don't know how you treat him. Maybe you are all of these things already. That's great! But I have found that most of us can always do better.

Please don't get me wrong. No one should ever put up with abuse of any kind. No one should put up with a husband that is demeaning or neglectful to necessary things. But I think these cases are rare in the average household. Give him the benefit of the doubt. He may be doing his best. If you really can't stand his behavior over a long period of time, then by all means get some professional help.

But honestly, I believe that the best thing you can do is lower your expectations, give him the benefit of the doubt, develop clear and honest communication, and above all-love him.

Feel free to comment and share thoughts. I happen to think my husband is perfect so I probably wasn't the best one to answer this question :)

Good luck,
Amy

Weird In-Laws

How can I cope with weird in-laws? They don't even seem to understand their own children and have such crazy expectations.

First of all, I would say go to this great article. It's obvious that there are several people who are in your same boat. Coping with in-laws is an age old question. But there are several things you can and should do.

Without knowing all of the specifics (I don't know what you mean by "crazy expectations") here are some general principles.

• Give them the benefit of the doubt-You love your spouse and they raised them, and so their parents can't be all that bad. I know you said that they don't even understand their own children, but depending on how long you have been married-you probably aren't an expert either. They don't know what it's like to have in-laws either and so it's probably best to think that they are doing the best they can.
• How does your spouse feel about the situation? Do they think that their parents are weird with crazy expectations as well? Or is it just you? If it is just you, then try to put yourself in your spouse's shoes and look for the positive in their family. If it is the two of you, come together as one and come up with your own expectations for your family, and stick by them no matter what. Perhaps you would want to post some family rules in your home so that your in-laws are aware of what is expected from them. For example, if you expect them to take their shoes off upon entering your home, make sure that is clear in a non-confrontational way. If it doesn't matter to you-make that clear also.
• Respect the rules and expectations of their home. Even if it doesn't make sense to you-they have a right to run their household in the way that is best for them. If they are vegetarians for instance, be nice and save your carnivore habits for your house.
• Without knowing how close you live to them, it's hard to give advice about visits. But make sure you and your spouse agree on what is acceptable visitation for both parties. If they expect you to come over every week with the kids for dinner-you may have to agree on that. But if they expect you to come over everyday-you can firmly tell them that although you love spending time with them, that you need to have some boundaries in order to establish your own family right now.
• I know it's hard when you HAVE to be with these people whom you normally would not have chosen to associate with, but the golden rule still applies here. Be as nice as you can. However, I'm sure there are cases which require some real distance from toxic influences. If the in-laws are emotionally or physically abusing your family, then you have a right to avoid them and get professional help. Otherwise, it might trust require some mutual toleration.
• Try to have a sense of humor. If it really is not that important-just let it go.
• All marriages and families require work-but let's not be afraid of work!

I'm sure that lots of people have sympathy for your situation. It is hard to enter a whole new family when we are so influenced and directed by the family we were raised in. We might think that when we get married it is just to one person, but it is true that "marry a guy, marry his family" But, this truth is still the most important and has to be placed as a very high priority:

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Genesis 2:24

I don't think that this means that we can completely ignore and berate our in-laws, but it does mean that when you get married, you create a new family and that you have to nurture and protect that new family as your most important treasure, and not let anyone destroy it.

I hope this helps some. Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Relationship Status

• When is a good time to make a relationship official? After how many dates that is? How exactly do you make a relationship official too?

Well, you might not like my answer, but here it is: "an answer given by another person usually is not remembered for very long"

What I mean by that is-what you know about your relationship is far more valuable than what I could possibly guess. Your answer is going to be the remembered answer-the one that will lead you to action.

But I'll put in my two cents anyway:

1. It is usually always better to move forward than to stand still

2. You must be confident in yourself--what's the worse that can happen?

3. Trust your instincts-when the time is right; you'll know.

4. In any potential relationship, it's important for both parties to be open and clear about how they feel. Do not let fear get in the way!

Some people date for a long time and never seem to have a good relationship. Others only have to meet once before they feel like it could last forever. Only you know under which category you fall. But I will leave you with one more quote:

"The combination of assurance and hope initiates action in the present."

It sounds like you have hope....now just gain some assurance in yourself and act accordingly!

Good luck!

-Amy